Monday, July 11, 2011

Light the wick, watch it burn, for that is all the warmth you shall get.

This is the email I sent to all my family members that explains my decision to date guys and all that jazz. I'm rather proud of it.

Dear wonderful, delightful, family,

Honesty has been one of the stable constants in my life. It fits, it does what you need it to. There's no doubt in honesty, no room for falsifications. Ever since I’ve started being more open and honest with everyone, my life has been easier.
Honesty is alot like fixing cars. I love working on cars because a) I love working with my hands. Using the knowledge and hands that God has given me to make something work again. Its the greatest feeling. And b) Everything has to go where its meant to go. You can't choose how you want to fix a car. Everything has its designed place. If you want the car to run smoothly, you have to put all the pieces in the right place, in the right position.
Honesty is like fixing cars because it is so exact and precise. 
Now I bring that up, because I made a decision a long time ago to be honest with everyone, regardless of the circumstances. I have not broken that decision very often, and when i have, its been for very important reasons. So far, you have not given me any reasons to not be honest with you, and so I will continue to be.
I want you all to know how appreciative I am of the time we we’ve been able to spend one on one with each other. One thing I've noticed about me being more open and honest with everyone is that my one on one relationships with the family (parents and siblings) have improved dramatically since the time before.
I love being a part of this family. I am so thankful that God placed me here. I look at other people’s families, and I can honestly say that I have NEVER felt envious or otherwise jealous of anyone else’s. In fact, most people feel jealous of me when I describe my family. I'm thankful that we can be open and honest with one another about ANYTHING without fear of stepping on toes and such, because frankly, I'm tired of being indirect with everyone and deflecting questions and blah blah ambiguity blah. Its obnoxious, and semi exhausting. So this has been written.
I love that we all feel comfortable sharing ideas and beliefs with each other. I am so very thankful to the Lord for such opportunities. I don't want any of you to feel like you can't do that, because I will always hear what you have to say and I will listen.
However, this must be done. Listen up family! I am gay. I am attracted to men. I no longer see this as a "struggle" or something I need to work to get over and prevail against. I love you, all of you. Those of you who have children, I love them as if they were my own. I sincerely enjoy the time I have with all of you and I will never do anything to make any of you or anyone else in the family uncomfortable, or awkward regarding this decision. I know that this choice will create different reactions within the family. But God knows, I'm certainly capable of dealing with any, and all that come my way, from any family member.
I want to date guys. I want to finally feel comfortable with myself. I want to end this internal struggle that has been going on for the last 10 years. I want peace. I want a path. Heck, I want a PLACE in this world.  My whole teenage life I have felt different from everyone, and that’s got nothing to do with my sexual orientation. Different because of the way I perceive things. Different because of the way I do things. Different because of the way I saw people.
I have been internally tormented since I was a child. All these thoughts, feelings, and desires bouncing around because I was too afraid to address them till much later.
But I’ll have you know. I’m far from being afraid any longer. I’m not even afraid of telling all of you about my decision. I’m not afraid of your reactions, or thoughts, your ideas, your words. I will take it all, and I will use it. You are my family. Not much else can beat that.
I realize that everything I just said is an "I want" statement. But this isn't a decision I've made lightly. I've been thinking about it, praying about it, pondering it for a long time. I want you to know that I have been listening. Listening with all my ability. In that time, I have not heard, felt, or otherwise found anything thats told me to not choose this path. What I have felt, mainly, is calm. Cool, clear, calm. Peace within myself. That is something I've not had since I was a child. I feel that it is a big deal.
I still love the church. I am not bitter at all! But I also recognize that with this choice, my lifestyle will no longer exactly follow the teachings of the gospel, and the stance the church has taken on this issue. And I am ok with that. If you aren’t, that is ok. I understand. I still love you J
I understand if you are unhappy, upset, or otherwise negatively impacted by this statement and decision. I also understand if you no longer wish me to be around your family, children, etc. Not saying that that is something you'd do, but I am prepared for such reactions. But I will say that I am still the same person. I am still your brother, and son, and I have not changed. I am still the same, funny, odd, good person. If you beg to differ, please don’t make a fool of yourself.
I love you. I love your families. I love our relationship with one another. My goal is not to create upset and instability. If that is what transpires, it will not be because of me or this news. It will be because that is how the family decides to react to my decision. I am also prepared for that.
You are my family and I will always love you regardless of your attitude towards me, for that is the way I work. I have made my choice. It isn’t changing, nor will I be swayed. What will yours be?

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Stab me, rip, stab, stab

Well it seems an update of my life is in order.

Firstly, I've been up since 6:30 this morning because of a nasty infection that started with my right tonsil, and spread to my entire throat and ears. I've done everything I know how to do, and it still just keeps getting worse. I have been sleeping in 45 minute increments because every time I swallowed, I'd wake up from the pain.
That is being taken care of, however, so please do not be alarmed or worried. I'm hopefully going to see an ENT (ear, nose, and throat) specialist today, and they'll be able to do something. I just hope it doesn't interrupt my birthday weekend. I'll survive ;)

Moving on.
Things have been going fine with me so far. I haven't been to my own ward here for 3 weeks because I always seem to be somewhere else on Sundays, either doing family stuff, or. Well. Thats about it actually.
I'm still going to church, just not at my assigned ward. Ah well. Can't be helped I suppose.

I'm still looking for work, but I have a promising interview today with a lady to do construction and such for 10/hour which would be SO NICE considering I have to pay $960 on the 1st of July for Fall housing. Its a job that would last 60-90 days, which is kind of perfect cause that'll get me through the summer, and give me enough of a breather to find something else during the school year. Plus, the amount of money that I am NOT spending woudl make it so I could save tons! Of course, I'm imagining this as like a 40 hour a week type thing, but still. Anything is better than nothing.

If this doesn't work out, there are a couple other options I've applied for, but nothing concrete or all that practical. I have a buddy who works for Taco Time, and he said he might be able to get me a job. Which, I've tried to avoid fast food, and so far, I have. But, necessity creates desperation, and at this point I'll take anything haha.

So on Friday, its my birthday. I'm turning the big 21. Woo! Actually, really the only thing this will do for me is allow me to hang out with certain friends more if they decide to go to a club or bar or something. I don't drink, and I don't know that I ever will. I've benefited from the blessings of the Word of Wisdom for a long while now, and I'm not too sure I really want to give that up. I still believe that God blesses you if have the knowledge and are still obeying it, regardless of your status with the church.

Besides, I'm so good at creating my own entertainment and having fun with people that I don't ever really need to get drunk! Let loose, they say. Well. I can do the same thing with an energy drink and it'll be just the same as if I was drunk. Except I'll be all over the place. And you'll hate me. And I kind of stop using words to communicate.
There are reasons why I don't do that very often. Just saying.

So I'm going to go down to Salt Lake with some friends from the area (Logan, Salt Lake)
We're going to go eat at Sawadee Thai House (not because its a supposed gay thing, but because thats my favorite type of food) and then go to Jam (the club) for whathaveyou. I'm not going to get silly-faced, or otherwise intoxicated, but I do want to know what it'll be like without the creepy 18/19 year olds who have been at the ones I've been to in the past. Hopefully, I'll enjoy myself. If not, I'll get over it ;)

So we're gonna drive down, then drive back up later that night, then I'm going to drive down on Saturday, and see my awesome sister and her family, and some other friends and stay over till Sunday night which is when my delightful friend Cody is having a dinner party and I'm excited for it!! Its gonna be

Anyways, I will update this again after my birthday I'm sure. Or somesuch. I love you all and hope you are all having a fantastic weekend.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Blue, white, and pointy. With a frisbee.

So I believe an update on my personal life is in order.

Firstly, I've felt very content and relaxed about my life and how its going the past week or so. I still don't have a job but I'm lining up job opportunities and interviews like crazy, so I expect to have one within the next couple weeks or so.

I had an interview for a medical receptionist at a dental office in town, but I won't be able to go to shool full time if I work there, so I probly won't be able to take the job. I have an interview scheduled for the plasma center here in town, but its not a great company, nor does it pay that well, so I'm not sure how desirable that job is, or if its even worth working there. I've been putting in cover eltters and resumes all over the place though and one job I would thoroughly like to have is a job working with male teenagers between the ages of 12-17 with behavioral problems. I'd be a night staff employee, so basically just make sure they're doing ok during the night and all that. I'd get paid $10 an hour and I could still go to school in the day time. I'm not too worried about sleep, as I don't really do a whole lot of it anyways. Thats one of the jobs I've applied for and I really hope they interview me.

In general, I've really just put alot of things that I was worrying about on the backburner, and I'm not really concerned with them anymore.  Namely, relationships, dating, money, etc. The only thing I'm still going to do is talk to my bishop and make sure he understand where i'm at so that he doesn't give me some calling that I can't comfortably perform correctly and whatnot. Other than that, regarding dating and the like: I'm open to the idea of dating and relationships, but it isn't something I'm out looking for or avidly approaching. Its not particularly important to me at the moment and I'm ok with that. As to whom I date, I will be attracted to whoever I'll be attracted to. If thats a girl, so be it. If its a guy, so be it. So far, girls have pretty much struck out, and well, guys have too. But like I said, right now, I'm not really bothering with any of it. I have other, more important things to focus on, namely, finding and keeping a job, and becoming integrated into Logan society through activities, events, etc. I just need things to do and places to go, and friends to interact with. Dating only complicates all of those goals.

I'm actually really kind of happy with how things are playing out. I'm financially stable (for now), have tons of free time (bittersweet), and I just found out that I already have 6.3 credits that have transferred over from college English classes I took in high school so chances are, I can start at a college sophomore or junior level.

Basically, I'm liking Logan, the people here, and the atmosphere I've found. Its simple, but entertaining, and has the potential to keep me busy, and engaged in my cause so i don't get bored. Which is HUGE for me.

Go Aggies =]

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Blue carpet with bleach stains. And crumbs. Lots of crumbs.

I started song writing again. I finished one earlier this week that I am rather proud of and I hope you like it.

It is a song about being beaten down, and and getting up again.

It can be likened to any personal experience you desire to find applicable, but for me, I wrote this song about my abuse, my abuser, and where i'm at now.

Triumph Rising

I remember when all I saw
Was your face
You used to haunt every waking moment
And every sleeping space

I used to cry out in the night
No one was ever there
I used to climb to that sweet emotion
But it felt like I was reaching for air

And I
I’d always let you win
Because I
Could never, ever seem to see the light within

Chord Progression

I’ll free my mind,
I’ll free my soul
I’ll fight forever
Cause I’m never gonna let go

I’m lookin’ up
My eyes behold the heavens,
My arms are open
To the love and help that God sends

Vocal/instrumental break-4 measures


I remember when all I felt
Was the pain
It used to choke every thought unguarded
Like a prison, chain after chain.

I used to hear your voice in my head
It never left me alone
My will, my freedom always faltered
I turned into stone

And I
I’d always let you run about
Because I
Could never, ever seem to find my own way out

Chord Progression

I’ll free my mind,
I’ll free my soul
I’ll fight forever
Cause I’m never gonna let go

I’m looking forward
No more stepping backwards
I’ll test your mettle
Take your blows upon my shoulders

I know what
I can Do

Yeah its true
You’ve won a lot
In the past

But I don’t know how
You ever thought that
It would last

I remember when all I saw was your face

Chord progression


I’ll free my mind,
I’ll free my soul
You’re never gonna bring me down unless I say so.

I’ll give my all
This is my proclamation
To every family, friend, and future generation

This life is
All my own

Life is all about what you make it.

So make it good.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Taped up ceilings and paper on the walls

So I have successfully moved, and settled in Logan, UT as of May 7th, 2011.
I think I really like it. There are tons of new people to make relationships with and I'm already becoming familiar with the landscape and such. I think moving here earlier was a very good decision.
I've already applied to several good places of working that I think I have a good chance of being hired at, and I will apply for more tomorrow.

I met my roommate while I was unpacking, who's name is Brett, and he is a swell guy! He's from Texas, he's 23, and he's going to be a Psych major too! I think he's a sophomore though. Anyway, I think he's a really great guy and we're becoming pretty good friends I suppose.

He and I went to church yesterday. Church is at 9 AM, which I'm totally fine with, but it was also High Council Sunday apparently. It was also Mother's Day.

So we get there, sit down, and we listen. The councilman mostly spoke about families, getting married, having children, raising said children etc. One man spoke about women and the gift of being mothers.
I won't lie, it kinda felt a little creepy when he started talking about how great it was that women could grow children inside themselves, and conception and all that. I looked around and noticed more than a few uncomfortable facial expressions on some young women's faces. All in all though, it was a good sacrament meeting.

One feeling that had kept coming up was the idea that I was in a new place. Its a fresh start, no one knows me at all. I could make them think whatever I wanted to. They didn't have to know about my homosexuality, or my abuse. I could be a normal, LDS guy without these issues or anything like that. The feeling felt exactly the same as when I was was pretending like everything was dandy after my abuse was brought to light. It felt familiar, and fake.

So, I quickly decided against it. But the desire was surprisingly strong.  However, I refuse to live a lie, and so it was kind of a no brainer.

We then had Sunday school, which was about recognizing how great a gift the gospel and the church is and all that. It was a good lesson with lots of areas for participation, and the guy teaching was really good at it. I didn't pay a ton of attention, but I stayed awake and wrote in my journal.

Then Brett and I went to Elders quorum. It was all about missions. I felt like it was difficult for me to participate because all the teacher's questions were "what happened on your mission?" "What was a cool, inspirational story from your mission?" "Did you teach any muslims or atheists?" And so on and so forth.

I'm not at the point anymore where I feel different or isolated for not going on a mission. Its not like I had a crazy choice in the matter anyways, but even if I did, I'ms till not sure I would go. The feeling I gather is that I am meant to accomplish things here. That I can do more good here right now than somewhere else.
Something I've learned and understood recently is that the mission is something that is meant for the individual going on it. Yeah, other people are supposed to benefit from it as well and whatnot. But I really believe that the mission is supposed to help the missionary grow, and become who God wants them to be, more than anything else.

That does not mean I need to go on one to accomplish that.

Anyway, during the rest of that lesson, I just continued to write in my journal. It wasn't terrible.

And the seats in the institute building cup your butt, so I was quite comfortable.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Sometimes, my contacts try to jump out of my face

I have come to some important conclusions these last couple weeks since my last blog posts and such.

I was talking with a dear friend of mine, Cody, and he gave me some real stellar advice.
In order to find some peace and whathaveyou, it is important to firstly, accept yourself entirely. All the good, bad, weird, freaky, creepy. Accept it all. It doesn't mean you have to stop trying to improve in each area and/or change, but its important to do that in order to find your identity. Progress is a part of life, as is change, and it will continue to be so forever.

Secondly, be committed to who you are. Now, when he was telling me this it really hit home, because I think thats where I get all confuzzled and mixed up. See, I'm a living oxymoron. A gay mormon. That creates alot of identity problems, namely because you can't be an active homosexual if you desire to retain your membership within the church. So, I've realized that I am not yet committed to either of those identities, but in a weird kind of hybrid between the two. So far, it ain't working out too greatly ;)

He talked about being honest with myself about who I am, and how I feel. I think if I can do that, it will eliminate alot of issues I have with myself and life and whatnot. Being grounded in who I am will allow me to take down walls, and be happy with myself.

I have always looked at my attraction to men and my abuse with a certain level of estrangement. It wasn't something that I was willing to allow to be a part of my whole self. And I think thats a big part of the problem. Like I stated above, accepting EVERYTHING about yourself is important. This includes, for me, my homosexuality, and my abuse and all of the effects I have because of it. However, realizing this, and doing it are two different things. I think its just something I need to work at, just like any other task.

Realizing this has given me a sense of relief that I have been missing. And it feels really, really nice.

I don't know exactly which direction I'm going to go but I've decided not to worry about it too much. I have lots of other things that need my focus more than that and honestly, I worry about it too much.

I'm content with the things I've learned and decided to do lately, and I'm pretty sure thats all that matters =]

Monday, April 18, 2011

Put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking out the do-o-or!

I was discussing with a friend tonight how I could help myself. It was brought to my attention that one reason why I probly have such issues with myself, in general, is because I'm not sure where I stand with church, homosexuality, and everything else in between. Which is true. Knowing who I am would probly help with the whole knowing where to go with my life thing.

It was also brought to my attention that alot of it has to do with my lack of commitment to who I am as well. I'm totally on the fence about what I want and where I want to go. That is a problem!

I need to accept myself, at least, if anything, but I'm having a difficult time doing it.

But strangely, I'm not feeling entirely busted up. In fact, even having an idea of how to go anywhere is kinda pleasant.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no mo-ore

Sometimes, I feel like giving into the complete, emotional detachment that tempts me would be so much better than dealing with this weird, kind of hybrid, off again, on again, half feeling, half numb THING that I have now. I mean, I care about people, then I don't. I want to be there for someone, but only because its right and not because I actually want to. Things should bother me, and they don't etc. etc.etc.

Its like a switch that gets turned on and off by events, or just because, and I don't know how to keep the power on.

It gets old. And I get tired of not having answers. Or direction. Or any kind of IDEA of what to do about it, or where to go with it.

Sometimes I just want to stop dealing with people. Family, friends, acquaintances. Just leave it all behind, move into the mountains somewhere by the ocean, and live in a small, modest home, all by my poor, numb self. I could make a living as a logger and never speak to anyone about anything important again, and become a crotchety, bitter old man who dies alone somewhere between the ages of 60 and 70.

Although this approach is not healthy, or realistic, the fact remains the same. I'm tired of getting into any kind of relationship with someone, and then having that someone get frustrated with me because I stop caring unintentionally. Its exhausting, and it isn't really fair to them.

So am I being cruel if i know its going to happen and still support the relationship? Or am I just being human, instinctively desiring general companionship?

I wish I had a clue.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I want to break things with my head

I've often wondered what it would be like to be someone or something else. Complete with their own conscience, or if none was available, my own. Like becoming a neighbor, or a friend, or a bird, or a tiger. Maybe a cloud. Or the wind. What would it be like to switch for a day?

Anyway, for the long while that my abuse was going on, there were two other boys involved, sometimes individually, sometimes all of us together. Since everything was found out, I've kept in contact with one, and kind of semi-contact with the other.

The one that I keep in contact with we'll call "John" and the other one "Scott". Follow? Good.

Now I've often wondered why I turned out the way I did. John and Scott seem to have gone down a different path if dealing with things. In my observations of them, it seems like they just HAVEN'T dealt with it at all, and yet, they're supposedly fine. John is on a mission right now,loving it, doing a good job, and he seemed completely normal the last time I talked with him before he left. However, there seems to be some sort of "emotional blindness" that he's developed that makes him totally inept at dealing with any kind of serious emotion from himself, or others he interacts with. Its like talking with a blank sheet of paper. And yet, he's on a mission. Doing the good thing, teaching the good word, all that jazz.

I can't help but feel slightly envious. I mean, I know that the way I'm doing things is probly for the better, and that what I'm doing now is healthier than not dealing with it. But sometimes i wonder. Is it really?

Sometimes, I wish I could be like John. Not think about all this stuff all the time. Live in fantasy happy land where things like sexual abuse are talked about in repressed and hushed tones, if its even brought up at all.

I feel like I would've made a great missionary. And I don't get why John got to go, and I decided to stick around and deal with all this junk. Is there a reason?

What if I did something wrong? What if I didn't do what I was supposed to. What if he comes back, and is totally fine, gets married, has a family, lives a normal life, and I'm still stuck lacking a mission, any desire to get married, still liking men, and being all angry and questioning towards the church, just like I am now?

Why was it so easy for him? Or perhaps his work will come later?
Or his mission is his work.

I hate this feeling. Its like just plain frustration and anger and confusion all built up in a knot in the middle of my chest and it doesn't know where to go. Its heavy and palpable. And it makes me want to scream, and yell, and cry and throw things.

And I think all of it is borne from jealousy of John's apparent victory, even though I know better. He at least ENJOYS his life. Even if it is a lie, or pretend or whatever. At least he likes it! Will I ever enjoy my life, or like it, or be ok with it? I have no idea.

I'm just unhappy.

And I have no idea where any of this came from tonight. Complete crap.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Banana bread without the nuts. Or perhaps one too many

Recently, I have allowed three siblings to view and read this blog. One older sister, and two older brothers. So far, in no way, do I feel any sort of regret about including them into these parts of my life. My sister was very understanding, emotionally authentic and open, and all around fantastic. My brothers were the same. Several times they've all admitted that they may not entirely understand everything, but that they are willing to accept, and be apart of wherever my life goes. I could not convey to them, at the time, how relieved and loved I felt because of their kind words and honest opinions. They are all wonderful individuals, whom I am proud and honored to call brother and sister. And thankful. Very thankful.

However, even though I do not regret my decision to be open with them, I am still very much afraid, and a tad bit uncomfortable. Not because I don't want to let them in. By all means, I do.
But because I am not used to feeling vulnerable, and wide open towards anyone, anytime, ever. That is something I will need to get used to, and adapt to. I'm used to knowing all the answers, and how these things work, and having all the cards.  When you allow others into the mix, it throws all of that into space because other human psyches are so varied and unpredictable.

I didn't anticipate this fear. My natural instinct right now is to stop, rewind, and keep everyone at an emotional distance, just like I've been doing my entire adult life. But experience has taught me how to push through natural instincts, so therefore, I shall do it. I am ready, for the most part, and even if I'm not, this is as good a time as any to become so.

I've psychologically trained myself to fit into public molds in order to throw people off to whats going on inside, to evade questions, and to keep others from thinking or worrying about me. All of which is ironic, because those are some of the things I have wanted dearly. I'm not sure why I do it. Most likely as a defense mechanism thats just never gone away. Its just funny because for the longest time, I thought I was unique in that respect. I did my own thing, I didn't care what others thought, and I never put myself into molds to appease others. What I didn't realize, was that secretly, that in itself was a mold. I wanted people to be impressed by me and my I-don't-care-what-other-people-think attitude. I wanted everyone to think I was so strong and independent when it came to dealing with all the abuse aftermath and hard things in general. I enjoyed those masks; they kept me safe and mysteriously distant. I didn't need anyone, and its becoming obvious that I still need to do some work on convincing myself otherwise as well. I don't think that all of them are fakes though. I think that they're all different parts of me, just greatly amplified into something else/more.

The bottom line is that I'm making progress with myself, and my family. Its just gonna take alot of time and patience from me to get to anywhere normal again.

But, I am content with that for now =]

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Money, money, money, ain't it funny. In a rich man's world. BLAH!!!

As the time for summer, and school, and moving all draw closer, I've noticed that I'm becoming extremely anxious and worried about money, and how I'm going to be able to support myself while I'm down there if I can't find a good job, earn enough money, or afford to live anywhere. Its been weighing on my mind for some time now. 

My biggest problem is tithing. I'm way behind on it, and actually, I'm not entirely sure how much I owe. So I keep taking money out every time i get paid, without knowing the actual amount that I need to pay, which means I'm putting myself out of hundreds of dollars that I may or may not need to spend, and I really can't afford to do that =/

Another thing is this recent car debacle. If I spend $500 on this old new car for myself, and give mine to my sister while she goes to school, it wouldn't be a horrible option. The issue is spending $500 dollars.

Another thing is my gym. The way they work is very nice for me. They have a work out of the day, and we go from there starting with a warm-up and etc. They're very encouraging and supportive, which is what I need when I exercise. However, it costs me $75 per month, which isn't a big deal, except that I owe them 150 for last month and this month because my stupid bank won't give me my checks!

I think alot of my anxiety comes from the fact that I have less than $900 dollars to my name at the present moment, and I can't live off that, or go to school off that, or do ANYTHING with that really. However, once I get paid tomorrow, I'm sure I'll be able to breathe easier. Or at least feel a little more secure.

I also think it would be wise of me to learn more about personal finances, budgeting, and all those kinds of things. 


Sunday, April 3, 2011

the complexities of a human (hoo-man)

I have discovered that I am immeasurably attracted to classical music in the night time. It provides a very nice cushion of sound that is pleasing to both my heart, and my soul. I had not realized this until tonight while I was sitting at my parents house and listening to it while doing some things for school on their computer.

It keeps me calm, quiet, thoughtful, and most importantly, it kind of relaxes me. A little anyways. Which is huge.

I discovered something else while I was dating Justin. I can't seem to ever entirely relax. Even in the presence (or arms) of someone I like, am attached to, or otherwise, I am not relaxed. Its not something I realized I had a problem with till he brought it to my attention.
So I started paying more attention and I've realized that yes, i am almost never relaxed. It certainly explains all the fidgeting and constant motion I always seem to have around. My mind is always active, and never stays quiet, and i have to forcefully make the decision to let go of muscle tension in my body whenever I try to go to sleep. Its not something I feel is incredibly important right now, but it definitely helped me understand why I can't seem to stop moving.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Blinded by my inner twilight

So tonight, I was trying to figure out where I want to go, and who I want to be and I came to the all too familiar conclusion of having absolutely no idea.

The issue is that I am perceived as a faithful, worthy, exemplary member of the church who valiantly magnifies his callings to the best of his ability because he is asked to and because he simply wants to.
Some of this statement is true. I like being a hometeacher. I like being a GOOD hometeacher to the people I am assigned to. To me, that basically means I'm just being a good, dependable friend.
But the other things in that statement. Being faithful, worthy, exemplary. That depends on whoever is perceiving those things.
I don't think those things about myself, nor are they true. Right now I am not entirely faithful. I'm definitely not worthy, and as far as exemplary goes, thats quite debatable.

So, I guess in order to be a good hometeacher, you should be worthy to give blessings. Which I'm not, nor do i feel comfortable doing so anyway.

But that also depends what you're comparing it to. I still think I'm a wonderful person, and exemplary at that, in many areas.  The problem is, I don't even know if I want to be considered faithful, exemplary, or worthy within the church anymore because I don't know what I want.
And I'm really unsure of how to figure that out.

Its quite a juxtaposition.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Keys of harmony and strength

I miss writing music. And playing the piano. And having a piano in general.

I've been reviewing the songs I've written. They're not very nice.
I hear my friend's and my sister's music and it makes me slightly jealous. When you write music, you write about what your life has been, what its like now, and what you hope it will be.

When my sister or my friends write music, its about love, life, things that make them happy. Relationships.
When I write music, if its going to be a sadder song (which it generally is), its always about the abuse. Not lost love, not dead dreams, or any of that other song writing material. Its about abuse. No one wants to hear about that!

I just wish I could find something about myself more interesting than that

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

People steal my yogurt

Well, the boyfriend and I are no longer the boyfriend and I. It appears my inability to keep myself emotionally involved, allow anyone in, etc. etc. etc. has, once again, kept me from making, and keeping, a good relationship up. Ah well.

There isn't really a whole lot I can do about it, and I don't entirely feel bad. At all. Theres got to be something benign about that.


One more grain of dust in the air

Its articles like these that reaffirm my most recent thoughts of the church (as an organization) and frankly, it makes me feel sad and ashamed sometimes to be called an LDS member in the first place.

I wish I could still publicly challenge people to a duel.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Piano, piano, cymbals, piano

I recently called my mother and pretty much told her about all these things that I've been talking about and writing about and whatnot. She was very supportive stating that she didn't really care what I did as long as I still talked to her, which I found to be most acceptable =]

Since talking with her, things have been less stressful to ponder on and my worry for my future has dissipated . We were both able to express how we felt about the abuse and the events after, or lack thereof.

I knew that my mother wasn't ok after the abuse, but I didn't really think about how it had affected her in her life, her testimony, or really any other aspect. I just knew that she was very frustrated and that she blamed herself for alot of the things pertaining to the abuse and whatnot.

While I was talking to her she expressed to me that she still was not ready to forgive, and that she was still puzzled by how God worked in that situation. After all, the church says that if you do what the Lord asks, He will protect your family from wiles of the world. My mom told me how she and my dad went to the temple regularly. They paid their tithing and fast offerings. they did everything they were supposed to, so why didn't the Lord protect her son?

I had never thought that she would question her faith, or God, for that matter. And I hadn't really understood how it had affected her till now. Then my mother started to cry while she was telling me these things. And that is one thing I cannot endure. My mother crying is something that hits me in the heart, to the very core of my being, and it is one of the only things on this earth that can emotionally move me forcefully. I love my mother very deeply.

She informed me that she was still looking for answers about it and she observed that one reason this situation is so faith-testing is because none of it can be answered with any of the easy church answers. That hit me, when she said that, and I felt such an absolute love and gratitude for my mother.

At one pivotal moment, I was talking about how tired and exhausted I was of doing it alone and being independent all the time, and this huge rush of emotion came forward and I started uncontrollably sobbing on the phone. Which hasn't happened in many years.
I hadn't realized how much it was affecting me till it all came out,and I just kept crying and talking about how I've been going it alone for so long, I'm not sure I can even allow someone in, even if I wanted to. Which SUCKS! Its crap!

It is so emotionally exhausting to deal with all my thoughts and emotions and have no one who gets it. And no one to talk to about it. And how much trust i don't have. And how I can't function in any kind of relationship genuinely, blah blah blah

Anyway, we talked about everything in this blog, and then some, and it was very liberating. Emotionally, mentally. I mean, I still feel the same towards the church as I've described it here, but I feel much more stable in my thoughts and opinions than I did.

My mother is such a wonderfully accepting and understanding individual and she is always an unintentional example to everyone she meets. I've learned much from her, and I continue to learn all that I can while I still have the opportunity to do so.

My hero is not some Book of Mormon character, nor an important figure in history. Its not a musician, or a writer, or a poet. Its someone who knows what work, faith, and love are. Its someone who listens to her heart and mind, all that the same time. And it someone who always has open arms, to all that need them.

Yes, my hero is my mother, plain and simple.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I want to get lost in sound. Or a video game.

I did not realize I had such feelings of anger and disappointment for the church till I started writing here.

Everything I know and have experienced keeps telling me that I'm being petty and that I need to let go and forgive. I believe that is correct.
But that does not mean I have to do it anytime soon.

Here comes that absorbent blue liquid.

This life gets bitterly cold.

I recently had a conversation with my bishop about not being a home teacher anymore because I was struggling in my beliefs regarding the sincerity and integrity of the church as an organization.

I told him how I believed many of the members to be hypocritical. Which he did not deny. In fact, he supported the claim.
Then, he proceeded to relate to me that the church as an organization was not perfect, and would not be used after the second coming and all that, all of which I knew.
He then stated that it was there to be a guide for man to be able to rejoin Heavenly Father. A kind of spiritual hospital to be taken care of in. A help to those who are traveling in the long journey.

So if that is what it is for, why on earth has the organization never been a help to me, personally? I believe that it has helped many people, and it continues to do so. But in my observations and experiences, it does a good job of bringing down those that do not adhere to its gospel principles. Principles which are not followed by a wide number of members themselves.

The only ones who are implicated are those who become honest. So what does that mean for individuals? Are you better off being honest, a christ-like attribute, and, in the worst case, being removed from the church records?

Or are you better off committing sin and keeping your leaders blind with deceit, and pretenses, which is what many members do also.

I believe that the former is a much better idea than the latter. So, if thats the case, why are the ones who were honest, always the ones to be punished or disciplined or whathaveyou.
Or completely misunderstood.

One of my biggest issues with church leaders, is that when someone comes to them with a sin that they have committed, they do not commend that individual for having the FAITH,  COURAGE, INTEGRITY, and HONESTY to come forth about it. Not in my experience anyway. Instead, they focus on the gravity of the situation and decide on disciplinary action without giving thought to the individuals thoughts, mindset, or feelings.

If the church wants to put people in positions where they are going to influence life plans and decisions of other individuals, they better damn well know how to be conscientious, compassionate, understanding, patient, and open-minded, without a lacking in any of those areas. I don't care if someone brings me the argument of being able to learn that while in the position. What happens to those who are victim to guinea pigging? The church does not apologize for mistakes or misjudgments its made. Its only focus is to get you on "the right path back to righteousness".

One such experience is this. I was 15. My abuse had been laid out in the open for my bishop, family, and who cares who else to see.

My bishop asked me if I had been masturbating. First off, the bishop SHOULD'VE known that I was. If he'd had any INKLING of how the mind works, he should've known that a) I was and b) I was certainly NOT going to confess to how often I did it, if I confessed to it at all. It was a learned behavior form a 63 year old man that had taught me many other things, the least of which was masturbation.

So he asked me that question. I confessed to doing it. I lied and said I did it like every 2 and a half weeks when it was like 2-3 times daily.

First off, that did absolutely, totally nothing! It did no change my habits, or how I felt about them. Secondly, that should've been the LEAST of his worries or priorities.

You know what that does to a child who has been a sex toy to a depraved "man of God"? You know what that means? It means that I was wrong. I was not right. I was being a bad person. And the total embarrassment that followed during church was excruciating for a boy of my age and in my position.

And you know what he did after that? Absolutely zilch. Zip. Nada. Nothing. Nothing at all.
He never got me help, never talked to me about anything that I may have been thinking, feeling, or otherwise dealing with.

That is irresponsible, uncaring, and lacking effort to make anything right. That is completely unacceptable of a priesthood leader of the church. I never even got a blessing, nor was I offered one. Never was offered a chance to talk.
Some may say, "well why didn't you take the initiative and ask?" And to that I say you are a complete, and utter, uneducated moron. Go do research on the subject of abuse victimization and then tell me that there is ever an inclination to start things off when it comes to recovery.

The next move the church made was pretty simple. Send a General Authority to check on us boys. I'm sorry, but a jovial, glasses wearing, joking, unrealistic, make-light-of-the-situation type guy was definitely NOT what we needed. Not in the slightest or even in the right direction. I didn't even pay attention during the meeting with me and my family. It wasn't ever with me alone. Just me and my family. Yeah, THAT was gonna get them good results. It was completely pointless.

After that, there was no follow-up by my bishop, or any other church leader. I was left to fight by myself, and there was no assistance to be had. I got into pretty bad habits, and then moved. Still no follow-up to this day from any church source, or otherwise. Even though it is entirely their fault that anyone was abused after his first incident.

Lucky for the church, I no longer care what people do or don't do. I've learned to live life with no expectations, because that way, I won't be failed, and then I am pleasantly surprised when things do turn out well. Pretty good set-up in my book.

All of this brings me back to two points. Firstly, priesthood leaders should know how to handle LIFE when it is thrown at them by the people they are responsible for. They are pivotal figures in their branch or ward. And if they don't help out their charges, they are a spiritual contradiction not worth keeping around.

And then secondly, if this church is here to help and guide everyone back to God, they have done a pretty bang up job with me. How nice it was of them to care if I was given all the help I needed, and making sure my life wasn't crazy affected in all sorts of negative ways by THEIR mistake. Oh wait.

So far they've failed at that job. In fact, they really haven't done much good for me, personally, ever.

I suppose we'll see where these thoughts end up then, won't we.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Psychosomatic Symptoms

Out of all the beliefs, doctrines, and lessons that I have learned as an active LDS member of the church, there is one thing that I do not understand.

All my life, I've been told "If you do A,B and C, you'll get D, E, and F."
Is God a conditional God? Is that the way the world works?

I don't understand how that is fair, or even spiritually ethical.

For an organization that preaches love and acceptance towards all men, they certainly suck at it.

I'm a member because of the doctrine. It has absolutely nothing to do with the people in the church. If that were the case, I certainly would not be a part of it.

And for an organization that claims to have all the answers, and opposes so many other things, they certainly don't have information (or at least don't give it out) to offer to their loyal, and devout members. Nearly every priesthood holder that I have encountered and confronted with the issue of  my homosexuality has known complete zero on the subject. Many have told me that they cannot help me because they don't know how to deal with it. And those that have tried, fail. Miserably. Mostly because they try to handle it like some sort of addiction or behavioral problem, and then when they are given an opportunity to be educated, they do not take advantage of it because it does not come from a viable source i.e. their leaders.

Throughout my entire experience as a member, meaning my whole life, my past, and my current issues, have not been dealt with in a healthy, or efficient way at all. Except for one therapist out of the five I've seen.

Bottom line: I'm finding heartache and detachment where I should be finding joy and peace.
Its the church's fault I was abused. Its the church's fault that the other children were abused.
And its the church's fault that no one else had any knowledge of it.

So for an organization that proclaims hope to the world, they should work better at actually giving it to people, instead of making it seem like there is none at all to be had.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Damn Investments

Out of all the things that I have to do, deal with, or think, there is one trait that I would love to understand more.

Why on earth is it so doggone difficult for me to emotionally invest myself in other people. I know that I have a multitude of trust issues. I know that having those kinds of issues can impede my relaitonships with others on a more personal level, instead of outwardly.

But why don't I miss people in my life? Why don't I miss any of my family? Or my friends from Pocatello, Seattle, Salt Lake etc....?

Why doesn't anything mean soemthing to me!
Why can't I let myself feel close to anyone?

Why does this person that I supposedly need/want in my life a) have to be a man and b) be attractive to me. Why can't I just be hugged by a fat guy who genuinely cares about me and let it mean something to me?

Why is it so SO easy to pretend to care about people in my life if they're hurting, or needing something, or just out of luck, and so difficult to actually do it.
And why do a put so much effort into making someone feel better, when I actually don't care??
Does that mean I actually do care, but I just don't feel it? Or am I once again, just doing it because I know that its the right thing to do?

Why do I keep asking why when I know that I won't find the answers by doing so.

I have a boyfriend who adores me, so why can't I do the same for him?
And when I think of him, and the possibility of him cheating on me or something like that, why the heck doesn't it bother me? Does that mean I don't care about him, and therefore, shouldn't be trying to make things work?

Having absolutely zero expectations of anyone in my life probly doesn't help any of this either. Dang.

I wish I had a therapist to talk to. Blah.
I also wish that I knew my brain as well as I know everyone else's.


Wednesday, March 2, 2011

An article from when my abuse was found out and revealed

How a predator fooled everyone
The Herald - Everett, Wash.
July 31, 2005
By Scott North
To his last breath, David Herget manipulated others.
He had distorted his family's love, pleading guilty a dozen years earlier to molesting a teenage female relative. On July 1, the convicted sex offender was back behind bars, this time accused of sexually abusing boys he met at church.
Herget, 62, of Mountlake Terrace carefully groomed the boys, plying them with pornography and cash, police discovered. He made sure they wouldn't tell by threatening to kill himself should the secret ever be revealed.
It appears Herget made good on his threat.
On suicide watch at the Snohomish County Jail in Everett, Herget on July 2 wound a strip of bedsheet around his neck. Investigators believe he used a jail sandal to tighten the loop, strangling himself as he sat alone in his cell.
The next morning, Mountlake Terrace police delivered the news to the families of the boys he had molested.
The teen who had broken the silence wept tears of confusion and grief, his parents said.
"I'm looking at this boy and I'm thinking, 'You should not have to deal with this garbage at such a young age,'†" his mother said last week.
The boy's parents spoke on the condition their names not be used. They hope that by sharing how a pedophile gained access to their son, other parents might be able to protect their children.
The couple readily acknowledged that they didn't appreciate the danger Herget presented. They knew he had been convicted of a sex crime, but also saw him as a longtime member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in Mountlake Terrace, where they have been active members for nearly two decades.
They were gulled by Herget's willingness to help others, and the close ties that exist within that community of faith, the boy's father said.
Dozens of others - including a state lawmaker - also stood by Herget, records show.
It's sometimes difficult to recognize that a sex offender can outwardly be a nice person but also a pose a grave risk, said Lucy Berliner, director of the sexual assault program at Harborview Medical Center in Seattle.
The only safe approach is to "accurately and unflinchingly accept" that a sex offender can never be trusted to be alone with children, she said.
"If you let down your guard and allow a known sex offender to be alone with your children, you are experimenting with your child and essentially crossing your fingers and hoping your child won't be the one," Berliner said.
Herget was a self-employed computer expert and the father of four grown children. He was raised in Portland, Ore., one of six children in a devout Mormon family.
Herget's family declined to speak with a reporter. Court papers and interviews confirm that it was through the Mormon church in Mountlake Terrace that he met the boys he molested.
The boy's mother said she was never fond of Herget, who could at times be condescending and domineering. His wife, on the other hand, is as close as an older sister, she said.
It was out of love for Herget's wife and children that he was welcome in their home. Out of love, they stood by Herget when he was convicted in 1993 of sexually abusing a girl, the boy's parents said.
The boy's mother said her heart went out to the girl Herget molested. The child first disclosed the molestation to her. The woman said she'd also been abused when she was young. Together, they went to a church leader.
Herget admitted the abuse, and police were summoned. His written confession describes the victim as "young, beguiling and lovely," and his offense as a "dastardly deed."
Even so, Herget dawdled in negotiating a guilty plea in the 1993 case, Snohomish County deputy prosecutor Paul Stern said. Herget was angry that authorities had barred him from contact with his own children, who then still lived at home.
"I could not comprehend that anyone would tear us apart as a family," he wrote. "I am appalled that we would be cut off from each other. That type of thing only happened in Nazi Germany or in a godless communist Russia."
Herget sought a special sentence for first-time sex offenders deemed likely to benefit from treatment. Without it, he faced up to nine years in prison.
The court received dozens of letters from church members urging leniency. One was written by a Seattle police detective who belonged to the congregation. Another came from the parents of the boy who would later unmask Herget as a serial molester.
"Mistakes need to be paid for, but once they are paid for, a normal life needs to be allowed," the couple wrote.
State Sen. Paull Shin, D-Mukilteo, was then in his first term in the state House of Representatives. He knew Herget. On a state letterhead, he wrote prosecutors and a Snohomish County judge, requesting leniency.
"I feel that Mr. Herget is basically a kind and honest man," Shin wrote.
Shin said he was new to the Legislature at the time and would not write such a letter today.
"David Herget's wife and his children came to me in tears," he said. "I was very moved by that."
A prosecutor for nearly 24 years, Stern said it is common for people to seek mercy in sex cases.
"Lots of folks are very outspoken about what we should do with sex offenders, until the offender is someone they know," he said.
Stern supported sentencing Herget to treatment. He matched the profile of someone research suggests would be the least likely to re-offend. The girl he molested also wanted Herget to get treatment. That, Stern said, carried more weight than all the letters from church members.
In treatment, Herget told how as a child he had been abused for years by a male relative, records show. The judge received glowing letters about his progress, including Herget's reported recognition that his deviant urges could only be controlled but never extinguished.
Herget was removed from state supervision in summer 2001. He had to register as a sex offender, but had long since reunited with his family.
Excommunicated by a Mormon church tribunal after his conviction, Herget completed the process of penitence, counseling and introspection that allowed him to rejoin the church.
Officials with Herget's church declined to discuss his case. Instead, they provided papers describing in general how the church tracks members who have been convicted of sexual abuse and bars them from work with children.
Herget got around that barrier after 2001 by privately offering assistance as an unofficial volunteer, or by simply being close to the families of his victims. He offered help on scouting projects and provided rides to sporting events, police discovered. Sons were sent to Herget, offering help with yardwork he could not complete because of health problems.
Mountlake Terrace Police Chief Scott Smith said detectives identified at least seven boys Herget abused over the years. One boy estimated that at least 1,400 acts of abuse occurred, starting in summer 2001.
Herget's arrest came after three of the boys spoke with police. All related similar stories of how Herget began trying to molest them when they were young and overcame their reluctance over time, usually with pornography and money.
The abuse was uncovered when the parents of one boy checked the family computer and confirmed suspicions that their son had been visiting sex sites on the Internet.
A check of his e-mail showed frequent correspondence with Herget. The man encouraged the teen to lie to his parents, and talked of letting him do things he knew they would not allow, his father said.
That fit a troubling pattern, the boy's mother said. Herget ignored limits, buying her children gifts and attempting to arrange trips without permission.
"It just seemed he was trying to overrule our parental authority," she said.
Herget cried when the boy's father told him to stay away.
Additional digging led to other e-mail accounts for the boy, all set up by Herget. Messages in those accounts showed Herget was providing pornography, and hinted at worse.
One of the messages read: "You are a good young man. Please forgive me if you can."
The teen finally disclosed the abuse. Other children were being molested as well, he said, because Herget would sometimes involve multiple children in his acts of abuse.
Smith, the police chief, said Herget was able to manipulate people by using his church involvement.
"I'm sure their intentions were good, but I think the church - I don't care if it is Mormon, Methodist, Catholic, I don't care the denomination - they have a responsibility to protect their children," Smith said.
The boy's mother said she has learned how important it is to act on parental instinct. If it feels as if something is wrong, it likely is, she said.
"You've got to be the parent," the boy's father said.
I say I'm one of the most emotionally self-mastered individuals out there. But really, I'm not. I'm just a master at shoving emotions into different areas of my mind.
I pretend like I know what I'm doing, but I really don't
I pretend like I know what I want and where I'm going. I don't.

I pretend like I don't need anyone, or need help, or want it for that matter. But I do. Very badly.

I pretend to be strong, but I am far from it.

I am a master of fallacies and illusions

But sometimes, actually, pretty much all the time, I crave to know that someone is there. That I have arms to fall into, and hands to hold onto.
That when I cry in the middle of the night, there is someone to wipe the tears away. And the pain. And the confusion.
And the memories.
And the touches.
And the pictures and videos.
And the feelings.
And the secrets.
And the lies.
And the trust.
And just all of it.

Just take it all away.