Sometimes, I feel like giving into the complete, emotional detachment that tempts me would be so much better than dealing with this weird, kind of hybrid, off again, on again, half feeling, half numb THING that I have now. I mean, I care about people, then I don't. I want to be there for someone, but only because its right and not because I actually want to. Things should bother me, and they don't etc. etc.etc.
Its like a switch that gets turned on and off by events, or just because, and I don't know how to keep the power on.
It gets old. And I get tired of not having answers. Or direction. Or any kind of IDEA of what to do about it, or where to go with it.
Sometimes I just want to stop dealing with people. Family, friends, acquaintances. Just leave it all behind, move into the mountains somewhere by the ocean, and live in a small, modest home, all by my poor, numb self. I could make a living as a logger and never speak to anyone about anything important again, and become a crotchety, bitter old man who dies alone somewhere between the ages of 60 and 70.
Although this approach is not healthy, or realistic, the fact remains the same. I'm tired of getting into any kind of relationship with someone, and then having that someone get frustrated with me because I stop caring unintentionally. Its exhausting, and it isn't really fair to them.
So am I being cruel if i know its going to happen and still support the relationship? Or am I just being human, instinctively desiring general companionship?
I wish I had a clue.
Part of healing comes from being vulnerable to the chance that the relationship might not fail. If we keep closing ourselves off because of the fear of potentially getting hurt or hurting someone else, we will never be open to the possibility of an authentic, lasting relationship.
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