Monday, March 28, 2011

Blinded by my inner twilight

So tonight, I was trying to figure out where I want to go, and who I want to be and I came to the all too familiar conclusion of having absolutely no idea.

The issue is that I am perceived as a faithful, worthy, exemplary member of the church who valiantly magnifies his callings to the best of his ability because he is asked to and because he simply wants to.
Some of this statement is true. I like being a hometeacher. I like being a GOOD hometeacher to the people I am assigned to. To me, that basically means I'm just being a good, dependable friend.
But the other things in that statement. Being faithful, worthy, exemplary. That depends on whoever is perceiving those things.
I don't think those things about myself, nor are they true. Right now I am not entirely faithful. I'm definitely not worthy, and as far as exemplary goes, thats quite debatable.

So, I guess in order to be a good hometeacher, you should be worthy to give blessings. Which I'm not, nor do i feel comfortable doing so anyway.

But that also depends what you're comparing it to. I still think I'm a wonderful person, and exemplary at that, in many areas.  The problem is, I don't even know if I want to be considered faithful, exemplary, or worthy within the church anymore because I don't know what I want.
And I'm really unsure of how to figure that out.

Its quite a juxtaposition.

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