Friday, April 22, 2011

Sometimes, my contacts try to jump out of my face

I have come to some important conclusions these last couple weeks since my last blog posts and such.

I was talking with a dear friend of mine, Cody, and he gave me some real stellar advice.
In order to find some peace and whathaveyou, it is important to firstly, accept yourself entirely. All the good, bad, weird, freaky, creepy. Accept it all. It doesn't mean you have to stop trying to improve in each area and/or change, but its important to do that in order to find your identity. Progress is a part of life, as is change, and it will continue to be so forever.

Secondly, be committed to who you are. Now, when he was telling me this it really hit home, because I think thats where I get all confuzzled and mixed up. See, I'm a living oxymoron. A gay mormon. That creates alot of identity problems, namely because you can't be an active homosexual if you desire to retain your membership within the church. So, I've realized that I am not yet committed to either of those identities, but in a weird kind of hybrid between the two. So far, it ain't working out too greatly ;)

He talked about being honest with myself about who I am, and how I feel. I think if I can do that, it will eliminate alot of issues I have with myself and life and whatnot. Being grounded in who I am will allow me to take down walls, and be happy with myself.

I have always looked at my attraction to men and my abuse with a certain level of estrangement. It wasn't something that I was willing to allow to be a part of my whole self. And I think thats a big part of the problem. Like I stated above, accepting EVERYTHING about yourself is important. This includes, for me, my homosexuality, and my abuse and all of the effects I have because of it. However, realizing this, and doing it are two different things. I think its just something I need to work at, just like any other task.

Realizing this has given me a sense of relief that I have been missing. And it feels really, really nice.

I don't know exactly which direction I'm going to go but I've decided not to worry about it too much. I have lots of other things that need my focus more than that and honestly, I worry about it too much.

I'm content with the things I've learned and decided to do lately, and I'm pretty sure thats all that matters =]

Monday, April 18, 2011

Put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking out the do-o-or!

I was discussing with a friend tonight how I could help myself. It was brought to my attention that one reason why I probly have such issues with myself, in general, is because I'm not sure where I stand with church, homosexuality, and everything else in between. Which is true. Knowing who I am would probly help with the whole knowing where to go with my life thing.

It was also brought to my attention that alot of it has to do with my lack of commitment to who I am as well. I'm totally on the fence about what I want and where I want to go. That is a problem!

I need to accept myself, at least, if anything, but I'm having a difficult time doing it.

But strangely, I'm not feeling entirely busted up. In fact, even having an idea of how to go anywhere is kinda pleasant.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no mo-ore

Sometimes, I feel like giving into the complete, emotional detachment that tempts me would be so much better than dealing with this weird, kind of hybrid, off again, on again, half feeling, half numb THING that I have now. I mean, I care about people, then I don't. I want to be there for someone, but only because its right and not because I actually want to. Things should bother me, and they don't etc. etc.etc.

Its like a switch that gets turned on and off by events, or just because, and I don't know how to keep the power on.

It gets old. And I get tired of not having answers. Or direction. Or any kind of IDEA of what to do about it, or where to go with it.

Sometimes I just want to stop dealing with people. Family, friends, acquaintances. Just leave it all behind, move into the mountains somewhere by the ocean, and live in a small, modest home, all by my poor, numb self. I could make a living as a logger and never speak to anyone about anything important again, and become a crotchety, bitter old man who dies alone somewhere between the ages of 60 and 70.

Although this approach is not healthy, or realistic, the fact remains the same. I'm tired of getting into any kind of relationship with someone, and then having that someone get frustrated with me because I stop caring unintentionally. Its exhausting, and it isn't really fair to them.

So am I being cruel if i know its going to happen and still support the relationship? Or am I just being human, instinctively desiring general companionship?

I wish I had a clue.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I want to break things with my head

I've often wondered what it would be like to be someone or something else. Complete with their own conscience, or if none was available, my own. Like becoming a neighbor, or a friend, or a bird, or a tiger. Maybe a cloud. Or the wind. What would it be like to switch for a day?

Anyway, for the long while that my abuse was going on, there were two other boys involved, sometimes individually, sometimes all of us together. Since everything was found out, I've kept in contact with one, and kind of semi-contact with the other.

The one that I keep in contact with we'll call "John" and the other one "Scott". Follow? Good.

Now I've often wondered why I turned out the way I did. John and Scott seem to have gone down a different path if dealing with things. In my observations of them, it seems like they just HAVEN'T dealt with it at all, and yet, they're supposedly fine. John is on a mission right now,loving it, doing a good job, and he seemed completely normal the last time I talked with him before he left. However, there seems to be some sort of "emotional blindness" that he's developed that makes him totally inept at dealing with any kind of serious emotion from himself, or others he interacts with. Its like talking with a blank sheet of paper. And yet, he's on a mission. Doing the good thing, teaching the good word, all that jazz.

I can't help but feel slightly envious. I mean, I know that the way I'm doing things is probly for the better, and that what I'm doing now is healthier than not dealing with it. But sometimes i wonder. Is it really?

Sometimes, I wish I could be like John. Not think about all this stuff all the time. Live in fantasy happy land where things like sexual abuse are talked about in repressed and hushed tones, if its even brought up at all.

I feel like I would've made a great missionary. And I don't get why John got to go, and I decided to stick around and deal with all this junk. Is there a reason?

What if I did something wrong? What if I didn't do what I was supposed to. What if he comes back, and is totally fine, gets married, has a family, lives a normal life, and I'm still stuck lacking a mission, any desire to get married, still liking men, and being all angry and questioning towards the church, just like I am now?

Why was it so easy for him? Or perhaps his work will come later?
Or his mission is his work.

I hate this feeling. Its like just plain frustration and anger and confusion all built up in a knot in the middle of my chest and it doesn't know where to go. Its heavy and palpable. And it makes me want to scream, and yell, and cry and throw things.

And I think all of it is borne from jealousy of John's apparent victory, even though I know better. He at least ENJOYS his life. Even if it is a lie, or pretend or whatever. At least he likes it! Will I ever enjoy my life, or like it, or be ok with it? I have no idea.

I'm just unhappy.

And I have no idea where any of this came from tonight. Complete crap.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Banana bread without the nuts. Or perhaps one too many

Recently, I have allowed three siblings to view and read this blog. One older sister, and two older brothers. So far, in no way, do I feel any sort of regret about including them into these parts of my life. My sister was very understanding, emotionally authentic and open, and all around fantastic. My brothers were the same. Several times they've all admitted that they may not entirely understand everything, but that they are willing to accept, and be apart of wherever my life goes. I could not convey to them, at the time, how relieved and loved I felt because of their kind words and honest opinions. They are all wonderful individuals, whom I am proud and honored to call brother and sister. And thankful. Very thankful.

However, even though I do not regret my decision to be open with them, I am still very much afraid, and a tad bit uncomfortable. Not because I don't want to let them in. By all means, I do.
But because I am not used to feeling vulnerable, and wide open towards anyone, anytime, ever. That is something I will need to get used to, and adapt to. I'm used to knowing all the answers, and how these things work, and having all the cards.  When you allow others into the mix, it throws all of that into space because other human psyches are so varied and unpredictable.

I didn't anticipate this fear. My natural instinct right now is to stop, rewind, and keep everyone at an emotional distance, just like I've been doing my entire adult life. But experience has taught me how to push through natural instincts, so therefore, I shall do it. I am ready, for the most part, and even if I'm not, this is as good a time as any to become so.

I've psychologically trained myself to fit into public molds in order to throw people off to whats going on inside, to evade questions, and to keep others from thinking or worrying about me. All of which is ironic, because those are some of the things I have wanted dearly. I'm not sure why I do it. Most likely as a defense mechanism thats just never gone away. Its just funny because for the longest time, I thought I was unique in that respect. I did my own thing, I didn't care what others thought, and I never put myself into molds to appease others. What I didn't realize, was that secretly, that in itself was a mold. I wanted people to be impressed by me and my I-don't-care-what-other-people-think attitude. I wanted everyone to think I was so strong and independent when it came to dealing with all the abuse aftermath and hard things in general. I enjoyed those masks; they kept me safe and mysteriously distant. I didn't need anyone, and its becoming obvious that I still need to do some work on convincing myself otherwise as well. I don't think that all of them are fakes though. I think that they're all different parts of me, just greatly amplified into something else/more.

The bottom line is that I'm making progress with myself, and my family. Its just gonna take alot of time and patience from me to get to anywhere normal again.

But, I am content with that for now =]

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Money, money, money, ain't it funny. In a rich man's world. BLAH!!!

As the time for summer, and school, and moving all draw closer, I've noticed that I'm becoming extremely anxious and worried about money, and how I'm going to be able to support myself while I'm down there if I can't find a good job, earn enough money, or afford to live anywhere. Its been weighing on my mind for some time now. 

My biggest problem is tithing. I'm way behind on it, and actually, I'm not entirely sure how much I owe. So I keep taking money out every time i get paid, without knowing the actual amount that I need to pay, which means I'm putting myself out of hundreds of dollars that I may or may not need to spend, and I really can't afford to do that =/

Another thing is this recent car debacle. If I spend $500 on this old new car for myself, and give mine to my sister while she goes to school, it wouldn't be a horrible option. The issue is spending $500 dollars.

Another thing is my gym. The way they work is very nice for me. They have a work out of the day, and we go from there starting with a warm-up and etc. They're very encouraging and supportive, which is what I need when I exercise. However, it costs me $75 per month, which isn't a big deal, except that I owe them 150 for last month and this month because my stupid bank won't give me my checks!

I think alot of my anxiety comes from the fact that I have less than $900 dollars to my name at the present moment, and I can't live off that, or go to school off that, or do ANYTHING with that really. However, once I get paid tomorrow, I'm sure I'll be able to breathe easier. Or at least feel a little more secure.

I also think it would be wise of me to learn more about personal finances, budgeting, and all those kinds of things. 


Sunday, April 3, 2011

the complexities of a human (hoo-man)

I have discovered that I am immeasurably attracted to classical music in the night time. It provides a very nice cushion of sound that is pleasing to both my heart, and my soul. I had not realized this until tonight while I was sitting at my parents house and listening to it while doing some things for school on their computer.

It keeps me calm, quiet, thoughtful, and most importantly, it kind of relaxes me. A little anyways. Which is huge.

I discovered something else while I was dating Justin. I can't seem to ever entirely relax. Even in the presence (or arms) of someone I like, am attached to, or otherwise, I am not relaxed. Its not something I realized I had a problem with till he brought it to my attention.
So I started paying more attention and I've realized that yes, i am almost never relaxed. It certainly explains all the fidgeting and constant motion I always seem to have around. My mind is always active, and never stays quiet, and i have to forcefully make the decision to let go of muscle tension in my body whenever I try to go to sleep. Its not something I feel is incredibly important right now, but it definitely helped me understand why I can't seem to stop moving.