I have come to some important conclusions these last couple weeks since my last blog posts and such.
I was talking with a dear friend of mine, Cody, and he gave me some real stellar advice.
In order to find some peace and whathaveyou, it is important to firstly, accept yourself entirely. All the good, bad, weird, freaky, creepy. Accept it all. It doesn't mean you have to stop trying to improve in each area and/or change, but its important to do that in order to find your identity. Progress is a part of life, as is change, and it will continue to be so forever.
Secondly, be committed to who you are. Now, when he was telling me this it really hit home, because I think thats where I get all confuzzled and mixed up. See, I'm a living oxymoron. A gay mormon. That creates alot of identity problems, namely because you can't be an active homosexual if you desire to retain your membership within the church. So, I've realized that I am not yet committed to either of those identities, but in a weird kind of hybrid between the two. So far, it ain't working out too greatly ;)
He talked about being honest with myself about who I am, and how I feel. I think if I can do that, it will eliminate alot of issues I have with myself and life and whatnot. Being grounded in who I am will allow me to take down walls, and be happy with myself.
I have always looked at my attraction to men and my abuse with a certain level of estrangement. It wasn't something that I was willing to allow to be a part of my whole self. And I think thats a big part of the problem. Like I stated above, accepting EVERYTHING about yourself is important. This includes, for me, my homosexuality, and my abuse and all of the effects I have because of it. However, realizing this, and doing it are two different things. I think its just something I need to work at, just like any other task.
Realizing this has given me a sense of relief that I have been missing. And it feels really, really nice.
I don't know exactly which direction I'm going to go but I've decided not to worry about it too much. I have lots of other things that need my focus more than that and honestly, I worry about it too much.
I'm content with the things I've learned and decided to do lately, and I'm pretty sure thats all that matters =]