Monday, July 11, 2011

Light the wick, watch it burn, for that is all the warmth you shall get.

This is the email I sent to all my family members that explains my decision to date guys and all that jazz. I'm rather proud of it.

Dear wonderful, delightful, family,

Honesty has been one of the stable constants in my life. It fits, it does what you need it to. There's no doubt in honesty, no room for falsifications. Ever since I’ve started being more open and honest with everyone, my life has been easier.
Honesty is alot like fixing cars. I love working on cars because a) I love working with my hands. Using the knowledge and hands that God has given me to make something work again. Its the greatest feeling. And b) Everything has to go where its meant to go. You can't choose how you want to fix a car. Everything has its designed place. If you want the car to run smoothly, you have to put all the pieces in the right place, in the right position.
Honesty is like fixing cars because it is so exact and precise. 
Now I bring that up, because I made a decision a long time ago to be honest with everyone, regardless of the circumstances. I have not broken that decision very often, and when i have, its been for very important reasons. So far, you have not given me any reasons to not be honest with you, and so I will continue to be.
I want you all to know how appreciative I am of the time we we’ve been able to spend one on one with each other. One thing I've noticed about me being more open and honest with everyone is that my one on one relationships with the family (parents and siblings) have improved dramatically since the time before.
I love being a part of this family. I am so thankful that God placed me here. I look at other people’s families, and I can honestly say that I have NEVER felt envious or otherwise jealous of anyone else’s. In fact, most people feel jealous of me when I describe my family. I'm thankful that we can be open and honest with one another about ANYTHING without fear of stepping on toes and such, because frankly, I'm tired of being indirect with everyone and deflecting questions and blah blah ambiguity blah. Its obnoxious, and semi exhausting. So this has been written.
I love that we all feel comfortable sharing ideas and beliefs with each other. I am so very thankful to the Lord for such opportunities. I don't want any of you to feel like you can't do that, because I will always hear what you have to say and I will listen.
However, this must be done. Listen up family! I am gay. I am attracted to men. I no longer see this as a "struggle" or something I need to work to get over and prevail against. I love you, all of you. Those of you who have children, I love them as if they were my own. I sincerely enjoy the time I have with all of you and I will never do anything to make any of you or anyone else in the family uncomfortable, or awkward regarding this decision. I know that this choice will create different reactions within the family. But God knows, I'm certainly capable of dealing with any, and all that come my way, from any family member.
I want to date guys. I want to finally feel comfortable with myself. I want to end this internal struggle that has been going on for the last 10 years. I want peace. I want a path. Heck, I want a PLACE in this world.  My whole teenage life I have felt different from everyone, and that’s got nothing to do with my sexual orientation. Different because of the way I perceive things. Different because of the way I do things. Different because of the way I saw people.
I have been internally tormented since I was a child. All these thoughts, feelings, and desires bouncing around because I was too afraid to address them till much later.
But I’ll have you know. I’m far from being afraid any longer. I’m not even afraid of telling all of you about my decision. I’m not afraid of your reactions, or thoughts, your ideas, your words. I will take it all, and I will use it. You are my family. Not much else can beat that.
I realize that everything I just said is an "I want" statement. But this isn't a decision I've made lightly. I've been thinking about it, praying about it, pondering it for a long time. I want you to know that I have been listening. Listening with all my ability. In that time, I have not heard, felt, or otherwise found anything thats told me to not choose this path. What I have felt, mainly, is calm. Cool, clear, calm. Peace within myself. That is something I've not had since I was a child. I feel that it is a big deal.
I still love the church. I am not bitter at all! But I also recognize that with this choice, my lifestyle will no longer exactly follow the teachings of the gospel, and the stance the church has taken on this issue. And I am ok with that. If you aren’t, that is ok. I understand. I still love you J
I understand if you are unhappy, upset, or otherwise negatively impacted by this statement and decision. I also understand if you no longer wish me to be around your family, children, etc. Not saying that that is something you'd do, but I am prepared for such reactions. But I will say that I am still the same person. I am still your brother, and son, and I have not changed. I am still the same, funny, odd, good person. If you beg to differ, please don’t make a fool of yourself.
I love you. I love your families. I love our relationship with one another. My goal is not to create upset and instability. If that is what transpires, it will not be because of me or this news. It will be because that is how the family decides to react to my decision. I am also prepared for that.
You are my family and I will always love you regardless of your attitude towards me, for that is the way I work. I have made my choice. It isn’t changing, nor will I be swayed. What will yours be?