Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I want to break things with my head

I've often wondered what it would be like to be someone or something else. Complete with their own conscience, or if none was available, my own. Like becoming a neighbor, or a friend, or a bird, or a tiger. Maybe a cloud. Or the wind. What would it be like to switch for a day?

Anyway, for the long while that my abuse was going on, there were two other boys involved, sometimes individually, sometimes all of us together. Since everything was found out, I've kept in contact with one, and kind of semi-contact with the other.

The one that I keep in contact with we'll call "John" and the other one "Scott". Follow? Good.

Now I've often wondered why I turned out the way I did. John and Scott seem to have gone down a different path if dealing with things. In my observations of them, it seems like they just HAVEN'T dealt with it at all, and yet, they're supposedly fine. John is on a mission right now,loving it, doing a good job, and he seemed completely normal the last time I talked with him before he left. However, there seems to be some sort of "emotional blindness" that he's developed that makes him totally inept at dealing with any kind of serious emotion from himself, or others he interacts with. Its like talking with a blank sheet of paper. And yet, he's on a mission. Doing the good thing, teaching the good word, all that jazz.

I can't help but feel slightly envious. I mean, I know that the way I'm doing things is probly for the better, and that what I'm doing now is healthier than not dealing with it. But sometimes i wonder. Is it really?

Sometimes, I wish I could be like John. Not think about all this stuff all the time. Live in fantasy happy land where things like sexual abuse are talked about in repressed and hushed tones, if its even brought up at all.

I feel like I would've made a great missionary. And I don't get why John got to go, and I decided to stick around and deal with all this junk. Is there a reason?

What if I did something wrong? What if I didn't do what I was supposed to. What if he comes back, and is totally fine, gets married, has a family, lives a normal life, and I'm still stuck lacking a mission, any desire to get married, still liking men, and being all angry and questioning towards the church, just like I am now?

Why was it so easy for him? Or perhaps his work will come later?
Or his mission is his work.

I hate this feeling. Its like just plain frustration and anger and confusion all built up in a knot in the middle of my chest and it doesn't know where to go. Its heavy and palpable. And it makes me want to scream, and yell, and cry and throw things.

And I think all of it is borne from jealousy of John's apparent victory, even though I know better. He at least ENJOYS his life. Even if it is a lie, or pretend or whatever. At least he likes it! Will I ever enjoy my life, or like it, or be ok with it? I have no idea.

I'm just unhappy.

And I have no idea where any of this came from tonight. Complete crap.

1 comment:

  1. You are filling a mission of a sort, by loving/serving struggling friends & letting them love/serve you back. It's not the same, but it's something & it means something to those friends. At least it does to me...

    I worry when someone goes through the torture you boys went through and then ignores/denies that it ever happened. Feels like a big ol' festering pus filled boil is gonna pop...down the road. It'll be sad for him & for those that have been drawn into his 'safe' life.

    I think you're doing an incredible thing, by surviving, trying, loving, teaching, laughing, joking, crying...and the list goes on. It's good that you are alive Warren. I mean REALLY alive. There are so many that will love you through both thick & thin... If you'll ask, it may be more immediate, but even if you don't ask, the spirit will gently urge us to reach out. I think you've felt that from me... I hope you know how sincere it is. And really how much you are admired & loved. I am often awestruck by the uniqueness that is you.
    Love you bud...hang in there... thanks for trusting & loving me. :) Larry...