Monday, July 23, 2012

Bills, bills, bills, COUPON!

Alright, so its been quite a while since I last updated this thingy. In short, things are going fantastic!

Matt and I just celebrated our 1-year anniversary a couple weeks ago, and our relationship just continues to grow and be amazing. Its like every time we're together i have a face like this : *_*

We're kind of a big deal.

I switched jobs back in April. I'm still a Youth Counselor, however, I no longer work with juvenile sex offenders like I was doing. Instead, I work with kids who have behavioral issues, who struggle in school, are addicted to video games, that kind of thing. Its great and I love it. I don't work grave shifts anymore, so I work a swing shift from 3-11, 4-5 days a week and its also pays a small amount more, so its been nice. I love my job. Though I'm still going to school and trying to reach my career and academic goals that way.

I'm still very excited =]

Back in March/April time, I did a video interview with a good friend of mine, Kendall Wilcox, who has put together a project called Far Between (found here at Its a documentary on whats its like to deal with homosexuality and Mormonism. Some of the video interviews are really quite interesting and its basically a really great way to familiarize yourself with people who are going through this struggle, no matter what they have chosen to do (marry a man, woman, have children, etc.)

Anyways, you can watch my video at the link below, and I hope you enjoy it. I feel like I represented who I am and I'm excited to see the rest of the project!

Friday, January 13, 2012

Fluorescent light bulbs and blue radios

So, its been a long while since I've updated this delovely little part of technology.

*also, side note, if you see a word capitalized, it just means there is strong emphasis on that word, just incase you weren't sure why there were random ones being capitalized.

Needless to say, I went back and re-read all my previous postings. I won't apologize for writing them or putting them out there (nor is anyone asking me to). I think they're all important in regards to helping me get where I am now, and lets be honest. If i hadn't had SOMEWHERE to put all my emotion, you have to wonder what else I would've done. For sure I can think of a bajillion different, less healthy ways than screaming out into the World Wide Web.

However, i WILL apologize for thinking myself higher than others in certain aspects of the mind and emotion. I think that didn't really help me much and just succeeded in ostracizing me from...well...everything, and although I still have a feeling that I may pay more ATTENTION to those kinds of things, I've realized that doesn't necessarily mean that I know more, it just means I'm more familiar with it all and have a slight idea of what the good, the bad, and the ugly look like on the inside. You decide if thats good or bad.

So, please forgive me for my previous trespasses and I assure you, I am now doing my best to be the best person that I believe I know how to be WITHOUT putting myself up on an imaginary pedestal above everyone else, and therefore out of the firing range of rotten tomatoes, seething glares, and my own ego.

*lso, as a side note, I have no idea why my blog posts are all suddenly written by "David". I'm not quite sure how that happened or why, but rest assured, I wrote them. For some reason, I can't fix it, lest I decide to delete all the posts, which I am against doing, so oh well. Just trust me.

Regardless, on with my life!!

So those of you who don't know, I began dating a young man back in July, the 12th, a Tuesday I believe. A Brazilian chap by the name of Matheus Palmeira. We've been dating for 6 months as of yesterday! Thats a long time for both of us! I mean, in my head, I think its quite a long time for anyone to be together, because it kind of is. BUT, thats not the point. The point is, my feelings of love, devotion, and commitment for him have not wavered, or otherwise changed in that whole time (except for a small little hiccup back in August, i think, where there were lapses in communication and everyone was super confused). THAT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL!

It still amazes me even now that I still can't stop looking at him, thinking about it, craving his presence like its oxygen! Obviously, this is a dramatization, but you need to get the point. This has never happened to me. Before meeting him, I never thought something like this was possible for me, let alone would ACTUALLY happen.

Its because of him that I have found a happiness that I've never known. This is the first time I've ever actually wanted a future with somebody. Getting married, having kids, the whole shebang (in that order). It makes me crazy giddy! For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of meeting him, here's a picture:


I certainly think so. He's 24, International Business major here at USU, loves to dance, cook, learn, his favortie color is orange, he loves Aquaman (those of you who know me will know that I have an obsession with the Green Lantern, bless his soul), and all sorts of other things. He's just so wonderful! He's the first guy who ever gave me flowers, which admittedly weren't things that I had really considered wanting, but when he gave them to me I was so surprised and I just couldn't stop smiling! It was so weird! But in a good way. Very, very good.

The point I'm trying to get at, is that Matt makes me happy. I love him, I want a future with him, and I am happy with him! Its a really wonderful thing!

Now, switching gears, I am in my second semester of my freshman year here at Utah State University in my Psychology Pre-Med major. My end goal is to eventually become a PA (Physician's Assistant) with a degree, or at least a strong background, in Health Psychology. Yeah, I've got my work cut out for me, but so far, its not going to horribly! I'm really enjoying my classes and I'm doing my best to get good grades in all of them. Last semester, I didn't do as well as I'd hoped, so this semester, I'm really planning on rolling up my sleeves and diving straight in. I mean, I'm paying to get an education and achieve my life goals. I might as well make sure I do the best I can!

This semester I'm taking BIO 1010, PSY 2010, SPAN 1010, and then 3 PE classes that are just credit fillers because they don't offer the classes I need/want during Spring semester. All the classes I have are necessary for my goals. Credits are important and I can't really afford to waste them on neutral academics.

Now, along with school are my work hours. Those who know, my hours are incredibly stressful on my body because I work 12 AM to 8 AM every Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. So all weekend. I work graves as a youth counselor for juvenile sex offenders at a facility here in Logan. Its definitely an interesting job, and as you can see from my previous posts, I have a bit of experience coming from the receiving end of that rotten stick. I have class on Mondays and Fridays still, unfortunately, so I don't get a ton of sleep on those days.

I'm pushing myself to stick with it, because I believe that I can make a difference in these kids lives. Eventually though, I believe that I will need to make a decision for myself regarding whether or not I can continue on with these particular hours and if I need to find another job.

There are pros and cons for all of it.

  • Stress on body
  • Never have open weekends
  • Lack of sleep during classes (usually just Mondays and Fridays though)
  • Would be nice to be paid more/work more hours
  • Not necessarily relevant to my desired goals
And here are the Pros:
  • Its a job, and in how badly people trying to find jobs, i shouldn't just give it up
  • Its good life experience, regardless of whether or not I can use it in my chosen field
  • Gives me ample time to do homework, so long as i'm able to do it during the weekend
  • Helps me feel like I'm doing something more with my past experiences and making them mean something
  • Makes me sound impressive and responsible in everyday conversation "What do you do?" "Oh i'm a Youth Counselor here in Logan..." etc. etc. Lets be honest, who doesn't like their job sounding different/cool/unique somehow?
  • Good enough to live on, as long as I'm frugal (which I haven't really had problems with, its just kind of tight, ya know?)
  • Works nights instead of days, so no schedule conflicts
And those are just a few of each. I definitely won't be dropping this job before I find something else. I'm not that desperate, but I may start looking soon for another alternative. I'm making sure that if I do, its for the right reasons i.e. need something less taxing on my health, school, other responsibilities etc. and not because I want more free time on the weekends. Honestly, if I got another job, I wouldn't have a problem working the weekends. I just want to be able to go home and sleep at a normal time. But lets be honest (again), who actually likes working on weekends? I'm just savvy enough to realize that those who get the better rapport and reputation, are those who are willing to do the stuff that no one else is.

My biggest hang up is that I don't want to let these kids down. And maybe that's the problem. I'm not supposed to let myself get to emotionally involved/attached to the clients whilst they're here, and so far I think I'm doing an alright job. However, I really don't know how long that will last. I just see so much in them, and I feel like no ones else does. I see myself in them when I was their age. And its true, there are many similarities between our collective back stories. The only big difference is that I decided to never offend on anyone and make them a victim. Hence the reason why they're here. 

So, maybe I just need to bite the bullet, and do what would be most beneficial for me regardless. It would make it an easier decision for sure. I honestly think I'm close to doing so. But I guess I just feel like I'd be betraying them, and abandoning them to the wolves. However, I also need to realize, and remember, that I am not their only staff member, nor am I the only one with whom they can identify. I think will help me the most.
So I guess we'll see what happens!
Also, if you, the reader, have an opinion, feel free to share it in the comments below. I would appreciate your advice on the matter =]

Besides school, work, and the boyfriend, I honestly don't have a ton of time for anything else. I mean, Matt and I try to be social and hang out with friends and such, but during the week, its sometimes very difficult for that to happen, so we spend alot of time at home, mostly cause we're too lazy/tired/busy to do anything else.

And honestly, I'm usually ok with that as long as it doesn't become a blatant habit.

I love all of you, my readers, whomever you are, wherever you're from, and whatever you do. You're all wonderful, competent pieces in the puzzle of your own life, and you get to choose how you fit into it. Don't ever forget such powerful knowledge =]

With love,
Warren Bailey


Monday, July 11, 2011

Light the wick, watch it burn, for that is all the warmth you shall get.

This is the email I sent to all my family members that explains my decision to date guys and all that jazz. I'm rather proud of it.

Dear wonderful, delightful, family,

Honesty has been one of the stable constants in my life. It fits, it does what you need it to. There's no doubt in honesty, no room for falsifications. Ever since I’ve started being more open and honest with everyone, my life has been easier.
Honesty is alot like fixing cars. I love working on cars because a) I love working with my hands. Using the knowledge and hands that God has given me to make something work again. Its the greatest feeling. And b) Everything has to go where its meant to go. You can't choose how you want to fix a car. Everything has its designed place. If you want the car to run smoothly, you have to put all the pieces in the right place, in the right position.
Honesty is like fixing cars because it is so exact and precise. 
Now I bring that up, because I made a decision a long time ago to be honest with everyone, regardless of the circumstances. I have not broken that decision very often, and when i have, its been for very important reasons. So far, you have not given me any reasons to not be honest with you, and so I will continue to be.
I want you all to know how appreciative I am of the time we we’ve been able to spend one on one with each other. One thing I've noticed about me being more open and honest with everyone is that my one on one relationships with the family (parents and siblings) have improved dramatically since the time before.
I love being a part of this family. I am so thankful that God placed me here. I look at other people’s families, and I can honestly say that I have NEVER felt envious or otherwise jealous of anyone else’s. In fact, most people feel jealous of me when I describe my family. I'm thankful that we can be open and honest with one another about ANYTHING without fear of stepping on toes and such, because frankly, I'm tired of being indirect with everyone and deflecting questions and blah blah ambiguity blah. Its obnoxious, and semi exhausting. So this has been written.
I love that we all feel comfortable sharing ideas and beliefs with each other. I am so very thankful to the Lord for such opportunities. I don't want any of you to feel like you can't do that, because I will always hear what you have to say and I will listen.
However, this must be done. Listen up family! I am gay. I am attracted to men. I no longer see this as a "struggle" or something I need to work to get over and prevail against. I love you, all of you. Those of you who have children, I love them as if they were my own. I sincerely enjoy the time I have with all of you and I will never do anything to make any of you or anyone else in the family uncomfortable, or awkward regarding this decision. I know that this choice will create different reactions within the family. But God knows, I'm certainly capable of dealing with any, and all that come my way, from any family member.
I want to date guys. I want to finally feel comfortable with myself. I want to end this internal struggle that has been going on for the last 10 years. I want peace. I want a path. Heck, I want a PLACE in this world.  My whole teenage life I have felt different from everyone, and that’s got nothing to do with my sexual orientation. Different because of the way I perceive things. Different because of the way I do things. Different because of the way I saw people.
I have been internally tormented since I was a child. All these thoughts, feelings, and desires bouncing around because I was too afraid to address them till much later.
But I’ll have you know. I’m far from being afraid any longer. I’m not even afraid of telling all of you about my decision. I’m not afraid of your reactions, or thoughts, your ideas, your words. I will take it all, and I will use it. You are my family. Not much else can beat that.
I realize that everything I just said is an "I want" statement. But this isn't a decision I've made lightly. I've been thinking about it, praying about it, pondering it for a long time. I want you to know that I have been listening. Listening with all my ability. In that time, I have not heard, felt, or otherwise found anything thats told me to not choose this path. What I have felt, mainly, is calm. Cool, clear, calm. Peace within myself. That is something I've not had since I was a child. I feel that it is a big deal.
I still love the church. I am not bitter at all! But I also recognize that with this choice, my lifestyle will no longer exactly follow the teachings of the gospel, and the stance the church has taken on this issue. And I am ok with that. If you aren’t, that is ok. I understand. I still love you J
I understand if you are unhappy, upset, or otherwise negatively impacted by this statement and decision. I also understand if you no longer wish me to be around your family, children, etc. Not saying that that is something you'd do, but I am prepared for such reactions. But I will say that I am still the same person. I am still your brother, and son, and I have not changed. I am still the same, funny, odd, good person. If you beg to differ, please don’t make a fool of yourself.
I love you. I love your families. I love our relationship with one another. My goal is not to create upset and instability. If that is what transpires, it will not be because of me or this news. It will be because that is how the family decides to react to my decision. I am also prepared for that.
You are my family and I will always love you regardless of your attitude towards me, for that is the way I work. I have made my choice. It isn’t changing, nor will I be swayed. What will yours be?

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Stab me, rip, stab, stab

Well it seems an update of my life is in order.

Firstly, I've been up since 6:30 this morning because of a nasty infection that started with my right tonsil, and spread to my entire throat and ears. I've done everything I know how to do, and it still just keeps getting worse. I have been sleeping in 45 minute increments because every time I swallowed, I'd wake up from the pain.
That is being taken care of, however, so please do not be alarmed or worried. I'm hopefully going to see an ENT (ear, nose, and throat) specialist today, and they'll be able to do something. I just hope it doesn't interrupt my birthday weekend. I'll survive ;)

Moving on.
Things have been going fine with me so far. I haven't been to my own ward here for 3 weeks because I always seem to be somewhere else on Sundays, either doing family stuff, or. Well. Thats about it actually.
I'm still going to church, just not at my assigned ward. Ah well. Can't be helped I suppose.

I'm still looking for work, but I have a promising interview today with a lady to do construction and such for 10/hour which would be SO NICE considering I have to pay $960 on the 1st of July for Fall housing. Its a job that would last 60-90 days, which is kind of perfect cause that'll get me through the summer, and give me enough of a breather to find something else during the school year. Plus, the amount of money that I am NOT spending woudl make it so I could save tons! Of course, I'm imagining this as like a 40 hour a week type thing, but still. Anything is better than nothing.

If this doesn't work out, there are a couple other options I've applied for, but nothing concrete or all that practical. I have a buddy who works for Taco Time, and he said he might be able to get me a job. Which, I've tried to avoid fast food, and so far, I have. But, necessity creates desperation, and at this point I'll take anything haha.

So on Friday, its my birthday. I'm turning the big 21. Woo! Actually, really the only thing this will do for me is allow me to hang out with certain friends more if they decide to go to a club or bar or something. I don't drink, and I don't know that I ever will. I've benefited from the blessings of the Word of Wisdom for a long while now, and I'm not too sure I really want to give that up. I still believe that God blesses you if have the knowledge and are still obeying it, regardless of your status with the church.

Besides, I'm so good at creating my own entertainment and having fun with people that I don't ever really need to get drunk! Let loose, they say. Well. I can do the same thing with an energy drink and it'll be just the same as if I was drunk. Except I'll be all over the place. And you'll hate me. And I kind of stop using words to communicate.
There are reasons why I don't do that very often. Just saying.

So I'm going to go down to Salt Lake with some friends from the area (Logan, Salt Lake)
We're going to go eat at Sawadee Thai House (not because its a supposed gay thing, but because thats my favorite type of food) and then go to Jam (the club) for whathaveyou. I'm not going to get silly-faced, or otherwise intoxicated, but I do want to know what it'll be like without the creepy 18/19 year olds who have been at the ones I've been to in the past. Hopefully, I'll enjoy myself. If not, I'll get over it ;)

So we're gonna drive down, then drive back up later that night, then I'm going to drive down on Saturday, and see my awesome sister and her family, and some other friends and stay over till Sunday night which is when my delightful friend Cody is having a dinner party and I'm excited for it!! Its gonna be

Anyways, I will update this again after my birthday I'm sure. Or somesuch. I love you all and hope you are all having a fantastic weekend.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Blue, white, and pointy. With a frisbee.

So I believe an update on my personal life is in order.

Firstly, I've felt very content and relaxed about my life and how its going the past week or so. I still don't have a job but I'm lining up job opportunities and interviews like crazy, so I expect to have one within the next couple weeks or so.

I had an interview for a medical receptionist at a dental office in town, but I won't be able to go to shool full time if I work there, so I probly won't be able to take the job. I have an interview scheduled for the plasma center here in town, but its not a great company, nor does it pay that well, so I'm not sure how desirable that job is, or if its even worth working there. I've been putting in cover eltters and resumes all over the place though and one job I would thoroughly like to have is a job working with male teenagers between the ages of 12-17 with behavioral problems. I'd be a night staff employee, so basically just make sure they're doing ok during the night and all that. I'd get paid $10 an hour and I could still go to school in the day time. I'm not too worried about sleep, as I don't really do a whole lot of it anyways. Thats one of the jobs I've applied for and I really hope they interview me.

In general, I've really just put alot of things that I was worrying about on the backburner, and I'm not really concerned with them anymore.  Namely, relationships, dating, money, etc. The only thing I'm still going to do is talk to my bishop and make sure he understand where i'm at so that he doesn't give me some calling that I can't comfortably perform correctly and whatnot. Other than that, regarding dating and the like: I'm open to the idea of dating and relationships, but it isn't something I'm out looking for or avidly approaching. Its not particularly important to me at the moment and I'm ok with that. As to whom I date, I will be attracted to whoever I'll be attracted to. If thats a girl, so be it. If its a guy, so be it. So far, girls have pretty much struck out, and well, guys have too. But like I said, right now, I'm not really bothering with any of it. I have other, more important things to focus on, namely, finding and keeping a job, and becoming integrated into Logan society through activities, events, etc. I just need things to do and places to go, and friends to interact with. Dating only complicates all of those goals.

I'm actually really kind of happy with how things are playing out. I'm financially stable (for now), have tons of free time (bittersweet), and I just found out that I already have 6.3 credits that have transferred over from college English classes I took in high school so chances are, I can start at a college sophomore or junior level.

Basically, I'm liking Logan, the people here, and the atmosphere I've found. Its simple, but entertaining, and has the potential to keep me busy, and engaged in my cause so i don't get bored. Which is HUGE for me.

Go Aggies =]

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Blue carpet with bleach stains. And crumbs. Lots of crumbs.

I started song writing again. I finished one earlier this week that I am rather proud of and I hope you like it.

It is a song about being beaten down, and and getting up again.

It can be likened to any personal experience you desire to find applicable, but for me, I wrote this song about my abuse, my abuser, and where i'm at now.

Triumph Rising

I remember when all I saw
Was your face
You used to haunt every waking moment
And every sleeping space

I used to cry out in the night
No one was ever there
I used to climb to that sweet emotion
But it felt like I was reaching for air

And I
I’d always let you win
Because I
Could never, ever seem to see the light within

Chord Progression

I’ll free my mind,
I’ll free my soul
I’ll fight forever
Cause I’m never gonna let go

I’m lookin’ up
My eyes behold the heavens,
My arms are open
To the love and help that God sends

Vocal/instrumental break-4 measures


I remember when all I felt
Was the pain
It used to choke every thought unguarded
Like a prison, chain after chain.

I used to hear your voice in my head
It never left me alone
My will, my freedom always faltered
I turned into stone

And I
I’d always let you run about
Because I
Could never, ever seem to find my own way out

Chord Progression

I’ll free my mind,
I’ll free my soul
I’ll fight forever
Cause I’m never gonna let go

I’m looking forward
No more stepping backwards
I’ll test your mettle
Take your blows upon my shoulders

I know what
I can Do

Yeah its true
You’ve won a lot
In the past

But I don’t know how
You ever thought that
It would last

I remember when all I saw was your face

Chord progression


I’ll free my mind,
I’ll free my soul
You’re never gonna bring me down unless I say so.

I’ll give my all
This is my proclamation
To every family, friend, and future generation

This life is
All my own

Life is all about what you make it.

So make it good.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Taped up ceilings and paper on the walls

So I have successfully moved, and settled in Logan, UT as of May 7th, 2011.
I think I really like it. There are tons of new people to make relationships with and I'm already becoming familiar with the landscape and such. I think moving here earlier was a very good decision.
I've already applied to several good places of working that I think I have a good chance of being hired at, and I will apply for more tomorrow.

I met my roommate while I was unpacking, who's name is Brett, and he is a swell guy! He's from Texas, he's 23, and he's going to be a Psych major too! I think he's a sophomore though. Anyway, I think he's a really great guy and we're becoming pretty good friends I suppose.

He and I went to church yesterday. Church is at 9 AM, which I'm totally fine with, but it was also High Council Sunday apparently. It was also Mother's Day.

So we get there, sit down, and we listen. The councilman mostly spoke about families, getting married, having children, raising said children etc. One man spoke about women and the gift of being mothers.
I won't lie, it kinda felt a little creepy when he started talking about how great it was that women could grow children inside themselves, and conception and all that. I looked around and noticed more than a few uncomfortable facial expressions on some young women's faces. All in all though, it was a good sacrament meeting.

One feeling that had kept coming up was the idea that I was in a new place. Its a fresh start, no one knows me at all. I could make them think whatever I wanted to. They didn't have to know about my homosexuality, or my abuse. I could be a normal, LDS guy without these issues or anything like that. The feeling felt exactly the same as when I was was pretending like everything was dandy after my abuse was brought to light. It felt familiar, and fake.

So, I quickly decided against it. But the desire was surprisingly strong.  However, I refuse to live a lie, and so it was kind of a no brainer.

We then had Sunday school, which was about recognizing how great a gift the gospel and the church is and all that. It was a good lesson with lots of areas for participation, and the guy teaching was really good at it. I didn't pay a ton of attention, but I stayed awake and wrote in my journal.

Then Brett and I went to Elders quorum. It was all about missions. I felt like it was difficult for me to participate because all the teacher's questions were "what happened on your mission?" "What was a cool, inspirational story from your mission?" "Did you teach any muslims or atheists?" And so on and so forth.

I'm not at the point anymore where I feel different or isolated for not going on a mission. Its not like I had a crazy choice in the matter anyways, but even if I did, I'ms till not sure I would go. The feeling I gather is that I am meant to accomplish things here. That I can do more good here right now than somewhere else.
Something I've learned and understood recently is that the mission is something that is meant for the individual going on it. Yeah, other people are supposed to benefit from it as well and whatnot. But I really believe that the mission is supposed to help the missionary grow, and become who God wants them to be, more than anything else.

That does not mean I need to go on one to accomplish that.

Anyway, during the rest of that lesson, I just continued to write in my journal. It wasn't terrible.

And the seats in the institute building cup your butt, so I was quite comfortable.