Monday, May 16, 2011

Blue, white, and pointy. With a frisbee.

So I believe an update on my personal life is in order.

Firstly, I've felt very content and relaxed about my life and how its going the past week or so. I still don't have a job but I'm lining up job opportunities and interviews like crazy, so I expect to have one within the next couple weeks or so.

I had an interview for a medical receptionist at a dental office in town, but I won't be able to go to shool full time if I work there, so I probly won't be able to take the job. I have an interview scheduled for the plasma center here in town, but its not a great company, nor does it pay that well, so I'm not sure how desirable that job is, or if its even worth working there. I've been putting in cover eltters and resumes all over the place though and one job I would thoroughly like to have is a job working with male teenagers between the ages of 12-17 with behavioral problems. I'd be a night staff employee, so basically just make sure they're doing ok during the night and all that. I'd get paid $10 an hour and I could still go to school in the day time. I'm not too worried about sleep, as I don't really do a whole lot of it anyways. Thats one of the jobs I've applied for and I really hope they interview me.

In general, I've really just put alot of things that I was worrying about on the backburner, and I'm not really concerned with them anymore.  Namely, relationships, dating, money, etc. The only thing I'm still going to do is talk to my bishop and make sure he understand where i'm at so that he doesn't give me some calling that I can't comfortably perform correctly and whatnot. Other than that, regarding dating and the like: I'm open to the idea of dating and relationships, but it isn't something I'm out looking for or avidly approaching. Its not particularly important to me at the moment and I'm ok with that. As to whom I date, I will be attracted to whoever I'll be attracted to. If thats a girl, so be it. If its a guy, so be it. So far, girls have pretty much struck out, and well, guys have too. But like I said, right now, I'm not really bothering with any of it. I have other, more important things to focus on, namely, finding and keeping a job, and becoming integrated into Logan society through activities, events, etc. I just need things to do and places to go, and friends to interact with. Dating only complicates all of those goals.

I'm actually really kind of happy with how things are playing out. I'm financially stable (for now), have tons of free time (bittersweet), and I just found out that I already have 6.3 credits that have transferred over from college English classes I took in high school so chances are, I can start at a college sophomore or junior level.

Basically, I'm liking Logan, the people here, and the atmosphere I've found. Its simple, but entertaining, and has the potential to keep me busy, and engaged in my cause so i don't get bored. Which is HUGE for me.

Go Aggies =]

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Blue carpet with bleach stains. And crumbs. Lots of crumbs.

I started song writing again. I finished one earlier this week that I am rather proud of and I hope you like it.

It is a song about being beaten down, and and getting up again.

It can be likened to any personal experience you desire to find applicable, but for me, I wrote this song about my abuse, my abuser, and where i'm at now.

Triumph Rising

I remember when all I saw
Was your face
You used to haunt every waking moment
And every sleeping space

I used to cry out in the night
No one was ever there
I used to climb to that sweet emotion
But it felt like I was reaching for air

And I
I’d always let you win
Because I
Could never, ever seem to see the light within

Chord Progression

I’ll free my mind,
I’ll free my soul
I’ll fight forever
Cause I’m never gonna let go

I’m lookin’ up
My eyes behold the heavens,
My arms are open
To the love and help that God sends

Vocal/instrumental break-4 measures


I remember when all I felt
Was the pain
It used to choke every thought unguarded
Like a prison, chain after chain.

I used to hear your voice in my head
It never left me alone
My will, my freedom always faltered
I turned into stone

And I
I’d always let you run about
Because I
Could never, ever seem to find my own way out

Chord Progression

I’ll free my mind,
I’ll free my soul
I’ll fight forever
Cause I’m never gonna let go

I’m looking forward
No more stepping backwards
I’ll test your mettle
Take your blows upon my shoulders

I know what
I can Do

Yeah its true
You’ve won a lot
In the past

But I don’t know how
You ever thought that
It would last

I remember when all I saw was your face

Chord progression


I’ll free my mind,
I’ll free my soul
You’re never gonna bring me down unless I say so.

I’ll give my all
This is my proclamation
To every family, friend, and future generation

This life is
All my own

Life is all about what you make it.

So make it good.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Taped up ceilings and paper on the walls

So I have successfully moved, and settled in Logan, UT as of May 7th, 2011.
I think I really like it. There are tons of new people to make relationships with and I'm already becoming familiar with the landscape and such. I think moving here earlier was a very good decision.
I've already applied to several good places of working that I think I have a good chance of being hired at, and I will apply for more tomorrow.

I met my roommate while I was unpacking, who's name is Brett, and he is a swell guy! He's from Texas, he's 23, and he's going to be a Psych major too! I think he's a sophomore though. Anyway, I think he's a really great guy and we're becoming pretty good friends I suppose.

He and I went to church yesterday. Church is at 9 AM, which I'm totally fine with, but it was also High Council Sunday apparently. It was also Mother's Day.

So we get there, sit down, and we listen. The councilman mostly spoke about families, getting married, having children, raising said children etc. One man spoke about women and the gift of being mothers.
I won't lie, it kinda felt a little creepy when he started talking about how great it was that women could grow children inside themselves, and conception and all that. I looked around and noticed more than a few uncomfortable facial expressions on some young women's faces. All in all though, it was a good sacrament meeting.

One feeling that had kept coming up was the idea that I was in a new place. Its a fresh start, no one knows me at all. I could make them think whatever I wanted to. They didn't have to know about my homosexuality, or my abuse. I could be a normal, LDS guy without these issues or anything like that. The feeling felt exactly the same as when I was was pretending like everything was dandy after my abuse was brought to light. It felt familiar, and fake.

So, I quickly decided against it. But the desire was surprisingly strong.  However, I refuse to live a lie, and so it was kind of a no brainer.

We then had Sunday school, which was about recognizing how great a gift the gospel and the church is and all that. It was a good lesson with lots of areas for participation, and the guy teaching was really good at it. I didn't pay a ton of attention, but I stayed awake and wrote in my journal.

Then Brett and I went to Elders quorum. It was all about missions. I felt like it was difficult for me to participate because all the teacher's questions were "what happened on your mission?" "What was a cool, inspirational story from your mission?" "Did you teach any muslims or atheists?" And so on and so forth.

I'm not at the point anymore where I feel different or isolated for not going on a mission. Its not like I had a crazy choice in the matter anyways, but even if I did, I'ms till not sure I would go. The feeling I gather is that I am meant to accomplish things here. That I can do more good here right now than somewhere else.
Something I've learned and understood recently is that the mission is something that is meant for the individual going on it. Yeah, other people are supposed to benefit from it as well and whatnot. But I really believe that the mission is supposed to help the missionary grow, and become who God wants them to be, more than anything else.

That does not mean I need to go on one to accomplish that.

Anyway, during the rest of that lesson, I just continued to write in my journal. It wasn't terrible.

And the seats in the institute building cup your butt, so I was quite comfortable.