Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Damn Investments

Out of all the things that I have to do, deal with, or think, there is one trait that I would love to understand more.

Why on earth is it so doggone difficult for me to emotionally invest myself in other people. I know that I have a multitude of trust issues. I know that having those kinds of issues can impede my relaitonships with others on a more personal level, instead of outwardly.

But why don't I miss people in my life? Why don't I miss any of my family? Or my friends from Pocatello, Seattle, Salt Lake etc....?

Why doesn't anything mean soemthing to me!
Why can't I let myself feel close to anyone?

Why does this person that I supposedly need/want in my life a) have to be a man and b) be attractive to me. Why can't I just be hugged by a fat guy who genuinely cares about me and let it mean something to me?

Why is it so SO easy to pretend to care about people in my life if they're hurting, or needing something, or just out of luck, and so difficult to actually do it.
And why do a put so much effort into making someone feel better, when I actually don't care??
Does that mean I actually do care, but I just don't feel it? Or am I once again, just doing it because I know that its the right thing to do?

Why do I keep asking why when I know that I won't find the answers by doing so.

I have a boyfriend who adores me, so why can't I do the same for him?
And when I think of him, and the possibility of him cheating on me or something like that, why the heck doesn't it bother me? Does that mean I don't care about him, and therefore, shouldn't be trying to make things work?

Having absolutely zero expectations of anyone in my life probly doesn't help any of this either. Dang.

I wish I had a therapist to talk to. Blah.
I also wish that I knew my brain as well as I know everyone else's.


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