Friday, January 13, 2012

Fluorescent light bulbs and blue radios

So, its been a long while since I've updated this delovely little part of technology.

*also, side note, if you see a word capitalized, it just means there is strong emphasis on that word, just incase you weren't sure why there were random ones being capitalized.

Needless to say, I went back and re-read all my previous postings. I won't apologize for writing them or putting them out there (nor is anyone asking me to). I think they're all important in regards to helping me get where I am now, and lets be honest. If i hadn't had SOMEWHERE to put all my emotion, you have to wonder what else I would've done. For sure I can think of a bajillion different, less healthy ways than screaming out into the World Wide Web.

However, i WILL apologize for thinking myself higher than others in certain aspects of the mind and emotion. I think that didn't really help me much and just succeeded in ostracizing me from...well...everything, and although I still have a feeling that I may pay more ATTENTION to those kinds of things, I've realized that doesn't necessarily mean that I know more, it just means I'm more familiar with it all and have a slight idea of what the good, the bad, and the ugly look like on the inside. You decide if thats good or bad.

So, please forgive me for my previous trespasses and I assure you, I am now doing my best to be the best person that I believe I know how to be WITHOUT putting myself up on an imaginary pedestal above everyone else, and therefore out of the firing range of rotten tomatoes, seething glares, and my own ego.

*lso, as a side note, I have no idea why my blog posts are all suddenly written by "David". I'm not quite sure how that happened or why, but rest assured, I wrote them. For some reason, I can't fix it, lest I decide to delete all the posts, which I am against doing, so oh well. Just trust me.

Regardless, on with my life!!

So those of you who don't know, I began dating a young man back in July, the 12th, a Tuesday I believe. A Brazilian chap by the name of Matheus Palmeira. We've been dating for 6 months as of yesterday! Thats a long time for both of us! I mean, in my head, I think its quite a long time for anyone to be together, because it kind of is. BUT, thats not the point. The point is, my feelings of love, devotion, and commitment for him have not wavered, or otherwise changed in that whole time (except for a small little hiccup back in August, i think, where there were lapses in communication and everyone was super confused). THAT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL!

It still amazes me even now that I still can't stop looking at him, thinking about it, craving his presence like its oxygen! Obviously, this is a dramatization, but you need to get the point. This has never happened to me. Before meeting him, I never thought something like this was possible for me, let alone would ACTUALLY happen.

Its because of him that I have found a happiness that I've never known. This is the first time I've ever actually wanted a future with somebody. Getting married, having kids, the whole shebang (in that order). It makes me crazy giddy! For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of meeting him, here's a picture:


I certainly think so. He's 24, International Business major here at USU, loves to dance, cook, learn, his favortie color is orange, he loves Aquaman (those of you who know me will know that I have an obsession with the Green Lantern, bless his soul), and all sorts of other things. He's just so wonderful! He's the first guy who ever gave me flowers, which admittedly weren't things that I had really considered wanting, but when he gave them to me I was so surprised and I just couldn't stop smiling! It was so weird! But in a good way. Very, very good.

The point I'm trying to get at, is that Matt makes me happy. I love him, I want a future with him, and I am happy with him! Its a really wonderful thing!

Now, switching gears, I am in my second semester of my freshman year here at Utah State University in my Psychology Pre-Med major. My end goal is to eventually become a PA (Physician's Assistant) with a degree, or at least a strong background, in Health Psychology. Yeah, I've got my work cut out for me, but so far, its not going to horribly! I'm really enjoying my classes and I'm doing my best to get good grades in all of them. Last semester, I didn't do as well as I'd hoped, so this semester, I'm really planning on rolling up my sleeves and diving straight in. I mean, I'm paying to get an education and achieve my life goals. I might as well make sure I do the best I can!

This semester I'm taking BIO 1010, PSY 2010, SPAN 1010, and then 3 PE classes that are just credit fillers because they don't offer the classes I need/want during Spring semester. All the classes I have are necessary for my goals. Credits are important and I can't really afford to waste them on neutral academics.

Now, along with school are my work hours. Those who know, my hours are incredibly stressful on my body because I work 12 AM to 8 AM every Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. So all weekend. I work graves as a youth counselor for juvenile sex offenders at a facility here in Logan. Its definitely an interesting job, and as you can see from my previous posts, I have a bit of experience coming from the receiving end of that rotten stick. I have class on Mondays and Fridays still, unfortunately, so I don't get a ton of sleep on those days.

I'm pushing myself to stick with it, because I believe that I can make a difference in these kids lives. Eventually though, I believe that I will need to make a decision for myself regarding whether or not I can continue on with these particular hours and if I need to find another job.

There are pros and cons for all of it.

  • Stress on body
  • Never have open weekends
  • Lack of sleep during classes (usually just Mondays and Fridays though)
  • Would be nice to be paid more/work more hours
  • Not necessarily relevant to my desired goals
And here are the Pros:
  • Its a job, and in how badly people trying to find jobs, i shouldn't just give it up
  • Its good life experience, regardless of whether or not I can use it in my chosen field
  • Gives me ample time to do homework, so long as i'm able to do it during the weekend
  • Helps me feel like I'm doing something more with my past experiences and making them mean something
  • Makes me sound impressive and responsible in everyday conversation "What do you do?" "Oh i'm a Youth Counselor here in Logan..." etc. etc. Lets be honest, who doesn't like their job sounding different/cool/unique somehow?
  • Good enough to live on, as long as I'm frugal (which I haven't really had problems with, its just kind of tight, ya know?)
  • Works nights instead of days, so no schedule conflicts
And those are just a few of each. I definitely won't be dropping this job before I find something else. I'm not that desperate, but I may start looking soon for another alternative. I'm making sure that if I do, its for the right reasons i.e. need something less taxing on my health, school, other responsibilities etc. and not because I want more free time on the weekends. Honestly, if I got another job, I wouldn't have a problem working the weekends. I just want to be able to go home and sleep at a normal time. But lets be honest (again), who actually likes working on weekends? I'm just savvy enough to realize that those who get the better rapport and reputation, are those who are willing to do the stuff that no one else is.

My biggest hang up is that I don't want to let these kids down. And maybe that's the problem. I'm not supposed to let myself get to emotionally involved/attached to the clients whilst they're here, and so far I think I'm doing an alright job. However, I really don't know how long that will last. I just see so much in them, and I feel like no ones else does. I see myself in them when I was their age. And its true, there are many similarities between our collective back stories. The only big difference is that I decided to never offend on anyone and make them a victim. Hence the reason why they're here. 

So, maybe I just need to bite the bullet, and do what would be most beneficial for me regardless. It would make it an easier decision for sure. I honestly think I'm close to doing so. But I guess I just feel like I'd be betraying them, and abandoning them to the wolves. However, I also need to realize, and remember, that I am not their only staff member, nor am I the only one with whom they can identify. I think will help me the most.
So I guess we'll see what happens!
Also, if you, the reader, have an opinion, feel free to share it in the comments below. I would appreciate your advice on the matter =]

Besides school, work, and the boyfriend, I honestly don't have a ton of time for anything else. I mean, Matt and I try to be social and hang out with friends and such, but during the week, its sometimes very difficult for that to happen, so we spend alot of time at home, mostly cause we're too lazy/tired/busy to do anything else.

And honestly, I'm usually ok with that as long as it doesn't become a blatant habit.

I love all of you, my readers, whomever you are, wherever you're from, and whatever you do. You're all wonderful, competent pieces in the puzzle of your own life, and you get to choose how you fit into it. Don't ever forget such powerful knowledge =]

With love,
Warren Bailey