Stab me, rip, stab, stab

Well it seems an update of my life is in order.

Firstly, I've been up since 6:30 this morning because of a nasty infection that started with my right tonsil, and spread to my entire throat and ears. I've done everything I know how to do, and it still just keeps getting worse. I have been sleeping in 45 minute increments because every time I swallowed, I'd wake up from the pain.
That is being taken care of, however, so please do not be alarmed or worried. I'm hopefully going to see an ENT (ear, nose, and throat) specialist today, and they'll be able to do something. I just hope it doesn't interrupt my birthday weekend. I'll survive ;)

Moving on.
Things have been going fine with me so far. I haven't been to my own ward here for 3 weeks because I always seem to be somewhere else on Sundays, either doing family stuff, or. Well. Thats about it actually.
I'm still going to church, just not at my assigned ward. Ah well. Can't be helped I suppose.

I'm still looking for work, but I have a promising interview today with a lady to do construction and such for 10/hour which would be SO NICE considering I have to pay $960 on the 1st of July for Fall housing. Its a job that would last 60-90 days, which is kind of perfect cause that'll get me through the summer, and give me enough of a breather to find something else during the school year. Plus, the amount of money that I am NOT spending woudl make it so I could save tons! Of course, I'm imagining this as like a 40 hour a week type thing, but still. Anything is better than nothing.

If this doesn't work out, there are a couple other options I've applied for, but nothing concrete or all that practical. I have a buddy who works for Taco Time, and he said he might be able to get me a job. Which, I've tried to avoid fast food, and so far, I have. But, necessity creates desperation, and at this point I'll take anything haha.

So on Friday, its my birthday. I'm turning the big 21. Woo! Actually, really the only thing this will do for me is allow me to hang out with certain friends more if they decide to go to a club or bar or something. I don't drink, and I don't know that I ever will. I've benefited from the blessings of the Word of Wisdom for a long while now, and I'm not too sure I really want to give that up. I still believe that God blesses you if have the knowledge and are still obeying it, regardless of your status with the church.

Besides, I'm so good at creating my own entertainment and having fun with people that I don't ever really need to get drunk! Let loose, they say. Well. I can do the same thing with an energy drink and it'll be just the same as if I was drunk. Except I'll be all over the place. And you'll hate me. And I kind of stop using words to communicate.
There are reasons why I don't do that very often. Just saying.

So I'm going to go down to Salt Lake with some friends from the area (Logan, Salt Lake)
We're going to go eat at Sawadee Thai House (not because its a supposed gay thing, but because thats my favorite type of food) and then go to Jam (the club) for whathaveyou. I'm not going to get silly-faced, or otherwise intoxicated, but I do want to know what it'll be like without the creepy 18/19 year olds who have been at the ones I've been to in the past. Hopefully, I'll enjoy myself. If not, I'll get over it ;)

So we're gonna drive down, then drive back up later that night, then I'm going to drive down on Saturday, and see my awesome sister and her family, and some other friends and stay over till Sunday night which is when my delightful friend Cody is having a dinner party and I'm excited for it!! Its gonna be bomb.com.

Anyways, I will update this again after my birthday I'm sure. Or somesuch. I love you all and hope you are all having a fantastic weekend.

Blue, white, and pointy. With a frisbee.

So I believe an update on my personal life is in order.

Firstly, I've felt very content and relaxed about my life and how its going the past week or so. I still don't have a job but I'm lining up job opportunities and interviews like crazy, so I expect to have one within the next couple weeks or so.

I had an interview for a medical receptionist at a dental office in town, but I won't be able to go to shool full time if I work there, so I probly won't be able to take the job. I have an interview scheduled for the plasma center here in town, but its not a great company, nor does it pay that well, so I'm not sure how desirable that job is, or if its even worth working there. I've been putting in cover eltters and resumes all over the place though and one job I would thoroughly like to have is a job working with male teenagers between the ages of 12-17 with behavioral problems. I'd be a night staff employee, so basically just make sure they're doing ok during the night and all that. I'd get paid $10 an hour and I could still go to school in the day time. I'm not too worried about sleep, as I don't really do a whole lot of it anyways. Thats one of the jobs I've applied for and I really hope they interview me.

In general, I've really just put alot of things that I was worrying about on the backburner, and I'm not really concerned with them anymore.  Namely, relationships, dating, money, etc. The only thing I'm still going to do is talk to my bishop and make sure he understand where i'm at so that he doesn't give me some calling that I can't comfortably perform correctly and whatnot. Other than that, regarding dating and the like: I'm open to the idea of dating and relationships, but it isn't something I'm out looking for or avidly approaching. Its not particularly important to me at the moment and I'm ok with that. As to whom I date, I will be attracted to whoever I'll be attracted to. If thats a girl, so be it. If its a guy, so be it. So far, girls have pretty much struck out, and well, guys have too. But like I said, right now, I'm not really bothering with any of it. I have other, more important things to focus on, namely, finding and keeping a job, and becoming integrated into Logan society through activities, events, etc. I just need things to do and places to go, and friends to interact with. Dating only complicates all of those goals.

I'm actually really kind of happy with how things are playing out. I'm financially stable (for now), have tons of free time (bittersweet), and I just found out that I already have 6.3 credits that have transferred over from college English classes I took in high school so chances are, I can start at a college sophomore or junior level.

Basically, I'm liking Logan, the people here, and the atmosphere I've found. Its simple, but entertaining, and has the potential to keep me busy, and engaged in my cause so i don't get bored. Which is HUGE for me.

Go Aggies =]

Blue carpet with bleach stains. And crumbs. Lots of crumbs.

I started song writing again. I finished one earlier this week that I am rather proud of and I hope you like it.

It is a song about being beaten down, and and getting up again.

It can be likened to any personal experience you desire to find applicable, but for me, I wrote this song about my abuse, my abuser, and where i'm at now.

Triumph Rising

I remember when all I saw

Was your face

You used to haunt every waking moment

And every sleeping space

I used to cry out in the night

No one was ever there

I used to climb to that sweet emotion

But it felt like I was reaching for air

And I

I’d always let you win

Because I

Could never, ever seem to see the light within

Chord Progression

Chorus:

I’ll free my mind,

I’ll free my soul

I’ll fight forever

Cause I’m never gonna let go

I’m lookin’ up

My eyes behold the heavens,

My arms are open

To the love and help that God sends

Vocal/instrumental break-4 measures

CHANGE PIANO RHYTHM

I remember when all I felt

Was the pain

It used to choke every thought unguarded

Like a prison, chain after chain.

I used to hear your voice in my head

It never left me alone

My will, my freedom always faltered

I turned into stone

And I

I’d always let you run about

Because I

Could never, ever seem to find my own way out

Chord Progression

Chorus:

I’ll free my mind,

I’ll free my soul

I’ll fight forever

Cause I’m never gonna let go

I’m looking forward

No more stepping backwards

I’ll test your mettle

Take your blows upon my shoulders

I know what

I can Do

Yeah its true

You’ve won a lot

In the past

But I don’t know how

You ever thought that

It would last

I remember when all I saw was your face

Chord progression

KEY CHANGE

Chorus:

I’ll free my mind,

I’ll free my soul

You’re never gonna bring me down unless I say so.

I’ll give my all

This is my proclamation

To every family, friend, and future generation

This life is

All my own

Life is all about what you make it.

So make it good.

Taped up ceilings and paper on the walls

So I have successfully moved, and settled in Logan, UT as of May 7th, 2011.
I think I really like it. There are tons of new people to make relationships with and I'm already becoming familiar with the landscape and such. I think moving here earlier was a very good decision.
I've already applied to several good places of working that I think I have a good chance of being hired at, and I will apply for more tomorrow.

I met my roommate while I was unpacking, who's name is Brett, and he is a swell guy! He's from Texas, he's 23, and he's going to be a Psych major too! I think he's a sophomore though. Anyway, I think he's a really great guy and we're becoming pretty good friends I suppose.

He and I went to church yesterday. Church is at 9 AM, which I'm totally fine with, but it was also High Council Sunday apparently. It was also Mother's Day.

So we get there, sit down, and we listen. The councilman mostly spoke about families, getting married, having children, raising said children etc. One man spoke about women and the gift of being mothers.
I won't lie, it kinda felt a little creepy when he started talking about how great it was that women could grow children inside themselves, and conception and all that. I looked around and noticed more than a few uncomfortable facial expressions on some young women's faces. All in all though, it was a good sacrament meeting.

One feeling that had kept coming up was the idea that I was in a new place. Its a fresh start, no one knows me at all. I could make them think whatever I wanted to. They didn't have to know about my homosexuality, or my abuse. I could be a normal, LDS guy without these issues or anything like that. The feeling felt exactly the same as when I was was pretending like everything was dandy after my abuse was brought to light. It felt familiar, and fake.

So, I quickly decided against it. But the desire was surprisingly strong.  However, I refuse to live a lie, and so it was kind of a no brainer.

We then had Sunday school, which was about recognizing how great a gift the gospel and the church is and all that. It was a good lesson with lots of areas for participation, and the guy teaching was really good at it. I didn't pay a ton of attention, but I stayed awake and wrote in my journal.

Then Brett and I went to Elders quorum. It was all about missions. I felt like it was difficult for me to participate because all the teacher's questions were "what happened on your mission?" "What was a cool, inspirational story from your mission?" "Did you teach any muslims or atheists?" And so on and so forth.

I'm not at the point anymore where I feel different or isolated for not going on a mission. Its not like I had a crazy choice in the matter anyways, but even if I did, I'ms till not sure I would go. The feeling I gather is that I am meant to accomplish things here. That I can do more good here right now than somewhere else.
Something I've learned and understood recently is that the mission is something that is meant for the individual going on it. Yeah, other people are supposed to benefit from it as well and whatnot. But I really believe that the mission is supposed to help the missionary grow, and become who God wants them to be, more than anything else.

That does not mean I need to go on one to accomplish that.

Anyway, during the rest of that lesson, I just continued to write in my journal. It wasn't terrible.

And the seats in the institute building cup your butt, so I was quite comfortable.

Sometimes, my contacts try to jump out of my face

I have come to some important conclusions these last couple weeks since my last blog posts and such.

I was talking with a dear friend of mine, Cody, and he gave me some real stellar advice.
In order to find some peace and whathaveyou, it is important to firstly, accept yourself entirely. All the good, bad, weird, freaky, creepy. Accept it all. It doesn't mean you have to stop trying to improve in each area and/or change, but its important to do that in order to find your identity. Progress is a part of life, as is change, and it will continue to be so forever.

Secondly, be committed to who you are. Now, when he was telling me this it really hit home, because I think thats where I get all confuzzled and mixed up. See, I'm a living oxymoron. A gay mormon. That creates alot of identity problems, namely because you can't be an active homosexual if you desire to retain your membership within the church. So, I've realized that I am not yet committed to either of those identities, but in a weird kind of hybrid between the two. So far, it ain't working out too greatly ;)

He talked about being honest with myself about who I am, and how I feel. I think if I can do that, it will eliminate alot of issues I have with myself and life and whatnot. Being grounded in who I am will allow me to take down walls, and be happy with myself.

I have always looked at my attraction to men and my abuse with a certain level of estrangement. It wasn't something that I was willing to allow to be a part of my whole self. And I think thats a big part of the problem. Like I stated above, accepting EVERYTHING about yourself is important. This includes, for me, my homosexuality, and my abuse and all of the effects I have because of it. However, realizing this, and doing it are two different things. I think its just something I need to work at, just like any other task.

Realizing this has given me a sense of relief that I have been missing. And it feels really, really nice.

I don't know exactly which direction I'm going to go but I've decided not to worry about it too much. I have lots of other things that need my focus more than that and honestly, I worry about it too much.

I'm content with the things I've learned and decided to do lately, and I'm pretty sure thats all that matters =]

Put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking out the do-o-or!

I was discussing with a friend tonight how I could help myself. It was brought to my attention that one reason why I probly have such issues with myself, in general, is because I'm not sure where I stand with church, homosexuality, and everything else in between. Which is true. Knowing who I am would probly help with the whole knowing where to go with my life thing.

It was also brought to my attention that alot of it has to do with my lack of commitment to who I am as well. I'm totally on the fence about what I want and where I want to go. That is a problem!

I need to accept myself, at least, if anything, but I'm having a difficult time doing it.

But strangely, I'm not feeling entirely busted up. In fact, even having an idea of how to go anywhere is kinda pleasant.

What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no mo-ore

Sometimes, I feel like giving into the complete, emotional detachment that tempts me would be so much better than dealing with this weird, kind of hybrid, off again, on again, half feeling, half numb THING that I have now. I mean, I care about people, then I don't. I want to be there for someone, but only because its right and not because I actually want to. Things should bother me, and they don't etc. etc.etc.

Its like a switch that gets turned on and off by events, or just because, and I don't know how to keep the power on.

It gets old. And I get tired of not having answers. Or direction. Or any kind of IDEA of what to do about it, or where to go with it.

Sometimes I just want to stop dealing with people. Family, friends, acquaintances. Just leave it all behind, move into the mountains somewhere by the ocean, and live in a small, modest home, all by my poor, numb self. I could make a living as a logger and never speak to anyone about anything important again, and become a crotchety, bitter old man who dies alone somewhere between the ages of 60 and 70.

Although this approach is not healthy, or realistic, the fact remains the same. I'm tired of getting into any kind of relationship with someone, and then having that someone get frustrated with me because I stop caring unintentionally. Its exhausting, and it isn't really fair to them.

So am I being cruel if i know its going to happen and still support the relationship? Or am I just being human, instinctively desiring general companionship?

I wish I had a clue.