Blinded by my inner twilight

So tonight, I was trying to figure out where I want to go, and who I want to be and I came to the all too familiar conclusion of having absolutely no idea.

The issue is that I am perceived as a faithful, worthy, exemplary member of the church who valiantly magnifies his callings to the best of his ability because he is asked to and because he simply wants to.
Some of this statement is true. I like being a hometeacher. I like being a GOOD hometeacher to the people I am assigned to. To me, that basically means I'm just being a good, dependable friend.
But the other things in that statement. Being faithful, worthy, exemplary. That depends on whoever is perceiving those things.
I don't think those things about myself, nor are they true. Right now I am not entirely faithful. I'm definitely not worthy, and as far as exemplary goes, thats quite debatable.

So, I guess in order to be a good hometeacher, you should be worthy to give blessings. Which I'm not, nor do i feel comfortable doing so anyway.

But that also depends what you're comparing it to. I still think I'm a wonderful person, and exemplary at that, in many areas.  The problem is, I don't even know if I want to be considered faithful, exemplary, or worthy within the church anymore because I don't know what I want.
And I'm really unsure of how to figure that out.

Its quite a juxtaposition.

Keys of harmony and strength

I miss writing music. And playing the piano. And having a piano in general.

I've been reviewing the songs I've written. They're not very nice.
I hear my friend's and my sister's music and it makes me slightly jealous. When you write music, you write about what your life has been, what its like now, and what you hope it will be.

When my sister or my friends write music, its about love, life, things that make them happy. Relationships.
When I write music, if its going to be a sadder song (which it generally is), its always about the abuse. Not lost love, not dead dreams, or any of that other song writing material. Its about abuse. No one wants to hear about that!

I just wish I could find something about myself more interesting than that

People steal my yogurt

Well, the boyfriend and I are no longer the boyfriend and I. It appears my inability to keep myself emotionally involved, allow anyone in, etc. etc. etc. has, once again, kept me from making, and keeping, a good relationship up. Ah well.

There isn't really a whole lot I can do about it, and I don't entirely feel bad. At all. Theres got to be something benign about that.

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....

One more grain of dust in the air

Its articles like these that reaffirm my most recent thoughts of the church (as an organization) and frankly, it makes me feel sad and ashamed sometimes to be called an LDS member in the first place.

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-13533-man-fired-from-lds-church-for-refusing-to-give-up-gay-friends.html


I wish I could still publicly challenge people to a duel.

Piano, piano, cymbals, piano

I recently called my mother and pretty much told her about all these things that I've been talking about and writing about and whatnot. She was very supportive stating that she didn't really care what I did as long as I still talked to her, which I found to be most acceptable =]

Since talking with her, things have been less stressful to ponder on and my worry for my future has dissipated . We were both able to express how we felt about the abuse and the events after, or lack thereof.

I knew that my mother wasn't ok after the abuse, but I didn't really think about how it had affected her in her life, her testimony, or really any other aspect. I just knew that she was very frustrated and that she blamed herself for alot of the things pertaining to the abuse and whatnot.

While I was talking to her she expressed to me that she still was not ready to forgive, and that she was still puzzled by how God worked in that situation. After all, the church says that if you do what the Lord asks, He will protect your family from wiles of the world. My mom told me how she and my dad went to the temple regularly. They paid their tithing and fast offerings. they did everything they were supposed to, so why didn't the Lord protect her son?

I had never thought that she would question her faith, or God, for that matter. And I hadn't really understood how it had affected her till now. Then my mother started to cry while she was telling me these things. And that is one thing I cannot endure. My mother crying is something that hits me in the heart, to the very core of my being, and it is one of the only things on this earth that can emotionally move me forcefully. I love my mother very deeply.

She informed me that she was still looking for answers about it and she observed that one reason this situation is so faith-testing is because none of it can be answered with any of the easy church answers. That hit me, when she said that, and I felt such an absolute love and gratitude for my mother.

At one pivotal moment, I was talking about how tired and exhausted I was of doing it alone and being independent all the time, and this huge rush of emotion came forward and I started uncontrollably sobbing on the phone. Which hasn't happened in many years.
I hadn't realized how much it was affecting me till it all came out,and I just kept crying and talking about how I've been going it alone for so long, I'm not sure I can even allow someone in, even if I wanted to. Which SUCKS! Its crap!

It is so emotionally exhausting to deal with all my thoughts and emotions and have no one who gets it. And no one to talk to about it. And how much trust i don't have. And how I can't function in any kind of relationship genuinely, blah blah blah

Anyway, we talked about everything in this blog, and then some, and it was very liberating. Emotionally, mentally. I mean, I still feel the same towards the church as I've described it here, but I feel much more stable in my thoughts and opinions than I did.

My mother is such a wonderfully accepting and understanding individual and she is always an unintentional example to everyone she meets. I've learned much from her, and I continue to learn all that I can while I still have the opportunity to do so.

My hero is not some Book of Mormon character, nor an important figure in history. Its not a musician, or a writer, or a poet. Its someone who knows what work, faith, and love are. Its someone who listens to her heart and mind, all that the same time. And it someone who always has open arms, to all that need them.

Yes, my hero is my mother, plain and simple.

I want to get lost in sound. Or a video game.

I did not realize I had such feelings of anger and disappointment for the church till I started writing here.

Everything I know and have experienced keeps telling me that I'm being petty and that I need to let go and forgive. I believe that is correct.
But that does not mean I have to do it anytime soon.

Here comes that absorbent blue liquid.

This life gets bitterly cold.

I recently had a conversation with my bishop about not being a home teacher anymore because I was struggling in my beliefs regarding the sincerity and integrity of the church as an organization.

I told him how I believed many of the members to be hypocritical. Which he did not deny. In fact, he supported the claim.
Then, he proceeded to relate to me that the church as an organization was not perfect, and would not be used after the second coming and all that, all of which I knew.
He then stated that it was there to be a guide for man to be able to rejoin Heavenly Father. A kind of spiritual hospital to be taken care of in. A help to those who are traveling in the long journey.

So if that is what it is for, why on earth has the organization never been a help to me, personally? I believe that it has helped many people, and it continues to do so. But in my observations and experiences, it does a good job of bringing down those that do not adhere to its gospel principles. Principles which are not followed by a wide number of members themselves.

The only ones who are implicated are those who become honest. So what does that mean for individuals? Are you better off being honest, a christ-like attribute, and, in the worst case, being removed from the church records?

Or are you better off committing sin and keeping your leaders blind with deceit, and pretenses, which is what many members do also.

I believe that the former is a much better idea than the latter. So, if thats the case, why are the ones who were honest, always the ones to be punished or disciplined or whathaveyou.
Or completely misunderstood.

One of my biggest issues with church leaders, is that when someone comes to them with a sin that they have committed, they do not commend that individual for having the FAITH,  COURAGE, INTEGRITY, and HONESTY to come forth about it. Not in my experience anyway. Instead, they focus on the gravity of the situation and decide on disciplinary action without giving thought to the individuals thoughts, mindset, or feelings.

If the church wants to put people in positions where they are going to influence life plans and decisions of other individuals, they better damn well know how to be conscientious, compassionate, understanding, patient, and open-minded, without a lacking in any of those areas. I don't care if someone brings me the argument of being able to learn that while in the position. What happens to those who are victim to guinea pigging? The church does not apologize for mistakes or misjudgments its made. Its only focus is to get you on "the right path back to righteousness".

One such experience is this. I was 15. My abuse had been laid out in the open for my bishop, family, and who cares who else to see.

My bishop asked me if I had been masturbating. First off, the bishop SHOULD'VE known that I was. If he'd had any INKLING of how the mind works, he should've known that a) I was and b) I was certainly NOT going to confess to how often I did it, if I confessed to it at all. It was a learned behavior form a 63 year old man that had taught me many other things, the least of which was masturbation.

So he asked me that question. I confessed to doing it. I lied and said I did it like every 2 and a half weeks when it was like 2-3 times daily.

You know what he did? HE TOLD ME TO NOT TAKE THE SACRAMENT FOR TWO WEEKS!
First off, that did absolutely, totally nothing! It did no change my habits, or how I felt about them. Secondly, that should've been the LEAST of his worries or priorities.

You know what that does to a child who has been a sex toy to a depraved "man of God"? You know what that means? It means that I was wrong. I was not right. I was being a bad person. And the total embarrassment that followed during church was excruciating for a boy of my age and in my position.

And you know what he did after that? Absolutely zilch. Zip. Nada. Nothing. Nothing at all.
He never got me help, never talked to me about anything that I may have been thinking, feeling, or otherwise dealing with.

That is irresponsible, uncaring, and lacking effort to make anything right. That is completely unacceptable of a priesthood leader of the church. I never even got a blessing, nor was I offered one. Never was offered a chance to talk.
Some may say, "well why didn't you take the initiative and ask?" And to that I say you are a complete, and utter, uneducated moron. Go do research on the subject of abuse victimization and then tell me that there is ever an inclination to start things off when it comes to recovery.

The next move the church made was pretty simple. Send a General Authority to check on us boys. I'm sorry, but a jovial, glasses wearing, joking, unrealistic, make-light-of-the-situation type guy was definitely NOT what we needed. Not in the slightest or even in the right direction. I didn't even pay attention during the meeting with me and my family. It wasn't ever with me alone. Just me and my family. Yeah, THAT was gonna get them good results. It was completely pointless.

After that, there was no follow-up by my bishop, or any other church leader. I was left to fight by myself, and there was no assistance to be had. I got into pretty bad habits, and then moved. Still no follow-up to this day from any church source, or otherwise. Even though it is entirely their fault that anyone was abused after his first incident.

Lucky for the church, I no longer care what people do or don't do. I've learned to live life with no expectations, because that way, I won't be failed, and then I am pleasantly surprised when things do turn out well. Pretty good set-up in my book.

All of this brings me back to two points. Firstly, priesthood leaders should know how to handle LIFE when it is thrown at them by the people they are responsible for. They are pivotal figures in their branch or ward. And if they don't help out their charges, they are a spiritual contradiction not worth keeping around.

And then secondly, if this church is here to help and guide everyone back to God, they have done a pretty bang up job with me. How nice it was of them to care if I was given all the help I needed, and making sure my life wasn't crazy affected in all sorts of negative ways by THEIR mistake. Oh wait.

So far they've failed at that job. In fact, they really haven't done much good for me, personally, ever.

I suppose we'll see where these thoughts end up then, won't we.