Bills, bills, bills, COUPON!

Alright, so its been quite a while since I last updated this thingy. In short, things are going fantastic!

Matt and I just celebrated our 1-year anniversary a couple weeks ago, and our relationship just continues to grow and be amazing. Its like every time we're together i have a face like this : *_*

We're kind of a big deal.

I switched jobs back in April. I'm still a Youth Counselor, however, I no longer work with juvenile sex offenders like I was doing. Instead, I work with kids who have behavioral issues, who struggle in school, are addicted to video games, that kind of thing. Its great and I love it. I don't work grave shifts anymore, so I work a swing shift from 3-11, 4-5 days a week and its also pays a small amount more, so its been nice. I love my job. Though I'm still going to school and trying to reach my career and academic goals that way.

I'm still very excited =]

Back in March/April time, I did a video interview with a good friend of mine, Kendall Wilcox, who has put together a project called Far Between (found here at farbetweenmovie.com). Its a documentary on whats its like to deal with homosexuality and Mormonism. Some of the video interviews are really quite interesting and its basically a really great way to familiarize yourself with people who are going through this struggle, no matter what they have chosen to do (marry a man, woman, have children, etc.)

Anyways, you can watch my video at the link below, and I hope you enjoy it. I feel like I represented who I am and I'm excited to see the rest of the project!

http://youtu.be/ce68BhneXTk

Fluorescent light bulbs and blue radios

So, its been a long while since I've updated this delovely little part of technology.

*also, side note, if you see a word capitalized, it just means there is strong emphasis on that word, just incase you weren't sure why there were random ones being capitalized.

Needless to say, I went back and re-read all my previous postings. I won't apologize for writing them or putting them out there (nor is anyone asking me to). I think they're all important in regards to helping me get where I am now, and lets be honest. If i hadn't had SOMEWHERE to put all my emotion, you have to wonder what else I would've done. For sure I can think of a bajillion different, less healthy ways than screaming out into the World Wide Web.

However, i WILL apologize for thinking myself higher than others in certain aspects of the mind and emotion. I think that didn't really help me much and just succeeded in ostracizing me from...well...everything, and although I still have a feeling that I may pay more ATTENTION to those kinds of things, I've realized that doesn't necessarily mean that I know more, it just means I'm more familiar with it all and have a slight idea of what the good, the bad, and the ugly look like on the inside. You decide if thats good or bad.

So, please forgive me for my previous trespasses and I assure you, I am now doing my best to be the best person that I believe I know how to be WITHOUT putting myself up on an imaginary pedestal above everyone else, and therefore out of the firing range of rotten tomatoes, seething glares, and my own ego.

*lso, as a side note, I have no idea why my blog posts are all suddenly written by "David". I'm not quite sure how that happened or why, but rest assured, I wrote them. For some reason, I can't fix it, lest I decide to delete all the posts, which I am against doing, so oh well. Just trust me.

Regardless, on with my life!!

So those of you who don't know, I began dating a young man back in July, the 12th, a Tuesday I believe. A Brazilian chap by the name of Matheus Palmeira. We've been dating for 6 months as of yesterday! Thats a long time for both of us! I mean, in my head, I think its quite a long time for anyone to be together, because it kind of is. BUT, thats not the point. The point is, my feelings of love, devotion, and commitment for him have not wavered, or otherwise changed in that whole time (except for a small little hiccup back in August, i think, where there were lapses in communication and everyone was super confused). THAT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL!

It still amazes me even now that I still can't stop looking at him, thinking about it, craving his presence like its oxygen! Obviously, this is a dramatization, but you need to get the point. This has never happened to me. Before meeting him, I never thought something like this was possible for me, let alone would ACTUALLY happen.

Its because of him that I have found a happiness that I've never known. This is the first time I've ever actually wanted a future with somebody. Getting married, having kids, the whole shebang (in that order). It makes me crazy giddy! For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of meeting him, here's a picture:



ISN'T HE CRAZY HOTATTRACTIVE?!?!

I certainly think so. He's 24, International Business major here at USU, loves to dance, cook, learn, his favortie color is orange, he loves Aquaman (those of you who know me will know that I have an obsession with the Green Lantern, bless his soul), and all sorts of other things. He's just so wonderful! He's the first guy who ever gave me flowers, which admittedly weren't things that I had really considered wanting, but when he gave them to me I was so surprised and I just couldn't stop smiling! It was so weird! But in a good way. Very, very good.

The point I'm trying to get at, is that Matt makes me happy. I love him, I want a future with him, and I am happy with him! Its a really wonderful thing!

Now, switching gears, I am in my second semester of my freshman year here at Utah State University in my Psychology Pre-Med major. My end goal is to eventually become a PA (Physician's Assistant) with a degree, or at least a strong background, in Health Psychology. Yeah, I've got my work cut out for me, but so far, its not going to horribly! I'm really enjoying my classes and I'm doing my best to get good grades in all of them. Last semester, I didn't do as well as I'd hoped, so this semester, I'm really planning on rolling up my sleeves and diving straight in. I mean, I'm paying to get an education and achieve my life goals. I might as well make sure I do the best I can!

This semester I'm taking BIO 1010, PSY 2010, SPAN 1010, and then 3 PE classes that are just credit fillers because they don't offer the classes I need/want during Spring semester. All the classes I have are necessary for my goals. Credits are important and I can't really afford to waste them on neutral academics.

Now, along with school are my work hours. Those who know, my hours are incredibly stressful on my body because I work 12 AM to 8 AM every Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. So all weekend. I work graves as a youth counselor for juvenile sex offenders at a facility here in Logan. Its definitely an interesting job, and as you can see from my previous posts, I have a bit of experience coming from the receiving end of that rotten stick. I have class on Mondays and Fridays still, unfortunately, so I don't get a ton of sleep on those days.

I'm pushing myself to stick with it, because I believe that I can make a difference in these kids lives. Eventually though, I believe that I will need to make a decision for myself regarding whether or not I can continue on with these particular hours and if I need to find another job.

There are pros and cons for all of it.
Cons:

• Stress on body
• Never have open weekends
• Lack of sleep during classes (usually just Mondays and Fridays though)
• Would be nice to be paid more/work more hours
• Not necessarily relevant to my desired goals

And here are the Pros:

• Its a job, and in how badly people trying to find jobs, i shouldn't just give it up
• Its good life experience, regardless of whether or not I can use it in my chosen field
• Gives me ample time to do homework, so long as i'm able to do it during the weekend
• Helps me feel like I'm doing something more with my past experiences and making them mean something
• Makes me sound impressive and responsible in everyday conversation "What do you do?" "Oh i'm a Youth Counselor here in Logan..." etc. etc. Lets be honest, who doesn't like their job sounding different/cool/unique somehow?
• Good enough to live on, as long as I'm frugal (which I haven't really had problems with, its just kind of tight, ya know?)
• Works nights instead of days, so no schedule conflicts

And those are just a few of each. I definitely won't be dropping this job before I find something else. I'm not that desperate, but I may start looking soon for another alternative. I'm making sure that if I do, its for the right reasons i.e. need something less taxing on my health, school, other responsibilities etc. and not because I want more free time on the weekends. Honestly, if I got another job, I wouldn't have a problem working the weekends. I just want to be able to go home and sleep at a normal time. But lets be honest (again), who actually likes working on weekends? I'm just savvy enough to realize that those who get the better rapport and reputation, are those who are willing to do the stuff that no one else is.

My biggest hang up is that I don't want to let these kids down. And maybe that's the problem. I'm not supposed to let myself get to emotionally involved/attached to the clients whilst they're here, and so far I think I'm doing an alright job. However, I really don't know how long that will last. I just see so much in them, and I feel like no ones else does. I see myself in them when I was their age. And its true, there are many similarities between our collective back stories. The only big difference is that I decided to never offend on anyone and make them a victim. Hence the reason why they're here. 

So, maybe I just need to bite the bullet, and do what would be most beneficial for me regardless. It would make it an easier decision for sure. I honestly think I'm close to doing so. But I guess I just feel like I'd be betraying them, and abandoning them to the wolves. However, I also need to realize, and remember, that I am not their only staff member, nor am I the only one with whom they can identify. I think will help me the most.

So I guess we'll see what happens!

Also, if you, the reader, have an opinion, feel free to share it in the comments below. I would appreciate your advice on the matter =]

Besides school, work, and the boyfriend, I honestly don't have a ton of time for anything else. I mean, Matt and I try to be social and hang out with friends and such, but during the week, its sometimes very difficult for that to happen, so we spend alot of time at home, mostly cause we're too lazy/tired/busy to do anything else.

And honestly, I'm usually ok with that as long as it doesn't become a blatant habit.

I love all of you, my readers, whomever you are, wherever you're from, and whatever you do. You're all wonderful, competent pieces in the puzzle of your own life, and you get to choose how you fit into it. Don't ever forget such powerful knowledge =]

With love,
Warren Bailey

Ciao

Light the wick, watch it burn, for that is all the warmth you shall get.

This is the email I sent to all my family members that explains my decision to date guys and all that jazz. I'm rather proud of it.

Dear wonderful, delightful, family,

Honesty has been one of the stable constants in my life. It fits, it does what you need it to. There's no doubt in honesty, no room for falsifications. Ever since I’ve started being more open and honest with everyone, my life has been easier.

 

Honesty is alot like fixing cars. I love working on cars because a) I love working with my hands. Using the knowledge and hands that God has given me to make something work again. Its the greatest feeling. And b) Everything has to go where its meant to go. You can't choose how you want to fix a car. Everything has its designed place. If you want the car to run smoothly, you have to put all the pieces in the right place, in the right position.

 

Honesty is like fixing cars because it is so exact and precise. 

 

Now I bring that up, because I made a decision a long time ago to be honest with everyone, regardless of the circumstances. I have not broken that decision very often, and when i have, its been for very important reasons. So far, you have not given me any reasons to not be honest with you, and so I will continue to be.

 

I want you all to know how appreciative I am of the time we we’ve been able to spend one on one with each other. One thing I've noticed about me being more open and honest with everyone is that my one on one relationships with the family (parents and siblings) have improved dramatically since the time before.

 

I love being a part of this family. I am so thankful that God placed me here. I look at other people’s families, and I can honestly say that I have NEVER felt envious or otherwise jealous of anyone else’s. In fact, most people feel jealous of me when I describe my family. I'm thankful that we can be open and honest with one another about ANYTHING without fear of stepping on toes and such, because frankly, I'm tired of being indirect with everyone and deflecting questions and blah blah ambiguity blah. Its obnoxious, and semi exhausting. So this has been written.

 

I love that we all feel comfortable sharing ideas and beliefs with each other. I am so very thankful to the Lord for such opportunities. I don't want any of you to feel like you can't do that, because I will always hear what you have to say and I will listen.

 

However, this must be done. Listen up family! I am gay. I am attracted to men. I no longer see this as a "struggle" or something I need to work to get over and prevail against. I love you, all of you. Those of you who have children, I love them as if they were my own. I sincerely enjoy the time I have with all of you and I will never do anything to make any of you or anyone else in the family uncomfortable, or awkward regarding this decision. I know that this choice will create different reactions within the family. But God knows, I'm certainly capable of dealing with any, and all that come my way, from any family member.

 

I want to date guys. I want to finally feel comfortable with myself. I want to end this internal struggle that has been going on for the last 10 years. I want peace. I want a path. Heck, I want a PLACE in this world.  My whole teenage life I have felt different from everyone, and that’s got nothing to do with my sexual orientation. Different because of the way I perceive things. Different because of the way I do things. Different because of the way I saw people.

 

I have been internally tormented since I was a child. All these thoughts, feelings, and desires bouncing around because I was too afraid to address them till much later.

 

But I’ll have you know. I’m far from being afraid any longer. I’m not even afraid of telling all of you about my decision. I’m not afraid of your reactions, or thoughts, your ideas, your words. I will take it all, and I will use it. You are my family. Not much else can beat that.

 

I realize that everything I just said is an "I want" statement. But this isn't a decision I've made lightly. I've been thinking about it, praying about it, pondering it for a long time. I want you to know that I have been listening. Listening with all my ability. In that time, I have not heard, felt, or otherwise found anything thats told me to not choose this path. What I have felt, mainly, is calm. Cool, clear, calm. Peace within myself. That is something I've not had since I was a child. I feel that it is a big deal.

 

I still love the church. I am not bitter at all! But I also recognize that with this choice, my lifestyle will no longer exactly follow the teachings of the gospel, and the stance the church has taken on this issue. And I am ok with that. If you aren’t, that is ok. I understand. I still love you J

 

I understand if you are unhappy, upset, or otherwise negatively impacted by this statement and decision. I also understand if you no longer wish me to be around your family, children, etc. Not saying that that is something you'd do, but I am prepared for such reactions. But I will say that I am still the same person. I am still your brother, and son, and I have not changed. I am still the same, funny, odd, good person. If you beg to differ, please don’t make a fool of yourself.

 

I love you. I love your families. I love our relationship with one another. My goal is not to create upset and instability. If that is what transpires, it will not be because of me or this news. It will be because that is how the family decides to react to my decision. I am also prepared for that.

 

You are my family and I will always love you regardless of your attitude towards me, for that is the way I work. I have made my choice. It isn’t changing, nor will I be swayed. What will yours be?

Stab me, rip, stab, stab

Well it seems an update of my life is in order.

Firstly, I've been up since 6:30 this morning because of a nasty infection that started with my right tonsil, and spread to my entire throat and ears. I've done everything I know how to do, and it still just keeps getting worse. I have been sleeping in 45 minute increments because every time I swallowed, I'd wake up from the pain.
That is being taken care of, however, so please do not be alarmed or worried. I'm hopefully going to see an ENT (ear, nose, and throat) specialist today, and they'll be able to do something. I just hope it doesn't interrupt my birthday weekend. I'll survive ;)

Moving on.
Things have been going fine with me so far. I haven't been to my own ward here for 3 weeks because I always seem to be somewhere else on Sundays, either doing family stuff, or. Well. Thats about it actually.
I'm still going to church, just not at my assigned ward. Ah well. Can't be helped I suppose.

I'm still looking for work, but I have a promising interview today with a lady to do construction and such for 10/hour which would be SO NICE considering I have to pay $960 on the 1st of July for Fall housing. Its a job that would last 60-90 days, which is kind of perfect cause that'll get me through the summer, and give me enough of a breather to find something else during the school year. Plus, the amount of money that I am NOT spending woudl make it so I could save tons! Of course, I'm imagining this as like a 40 hour a week type thing, but still. Anything is better than nothing.

If this doesn't work out, there are a couple other options I've applied for, but nothing concrete or all that practical. I have a buddy who works for Taco Time, and he said he might be able to get me a job. Which, I've tried to avoid fast food, and so far, I have. But, necessity creates desperation, and at this point I'll take anything haha.

So on Friday, its my birthday. I'm turning the big 21. Woo! Actually, really the only thing this will do for me is allow me to hang out with certain friends more if they decide to go to a club or bar or something. I don't drink, and I don't know that I ever will. I've benefited from the blessings of the Word of Wisdom for a long while now, and I'm not too sure I really want to give that up. I still believe that God blesses you if have the knowledge and are still obeying it, regardless of your status with the church.

Besides, I'm so good at creating my own entertainment and having fun with people that I don't ever really need to get drunk! Let loose, they say. Well. I can do the same thing with an energy drink and it'll be just the same as if I was drunk. Except I'll be all over the place. And you'll hate me. And I kind of stop using words to communicate.
There are reasons why I don't do that very often. Just saying.

So I'm going to go down to Salt Lake with some friends from the area (Logan, Salt Lake)
We're going to go eat at Sawadee Thai House (not because its a supposed gay thing, but because thats my favorite type of food) and then go to Jam (the club) for whathaveyou. I'm not going to get silly-faced, or otherwise intoxicated, but I do want to know what it'll be like without the creepy 18/19 year olds who have been at the ones I've been to in the past. Hopefully, I'll enjoy myself. If not, I'll get over it ;)

So we're gonna drive down, then drive back up later that night, then I'm going to drive down on Saturday, and see my awesome sister and her family, and some other friends and stay over till Sunday night which is when my delightful friend Cody is having a dinner party and I'm excited for it!! Its gonna be bomb.com.

Anyways, I will update this again after my birthday I'm sure. Or somesuch. I love you all and hope you are all having a fantastic weekend.

Blue, white, and pointy. With a frisbee.

So I believe an update on my personal life is in order.

Firstly, I've felt very content and relaxed about my life and how its going the past week or so. I still don't have a job but I'm lining up job opportunities and interviews like crazy, so I expect to have one within the next couple weeks or so.

I had an interview for a medical receptionist at a dental office in town, but I won't be able to go to shool full time if I work there, so I probly won't be able to take the job. I have an interview scheduled for the plasma center here in town, but its not a great company, nor does it pay that well, so I'm not sure how desirable that job is, or if its even worth working there. I've been putting in cover eltters and resumes all over the place though and one job I would thoroughly like to have is a job working with male teenagers between the ages of 12-17 with behavioral problems. I'd be a night staff employee, so basically just make sure they're doing ok during the night and all that. I'd get paid $10 an hour and I could still go to school in the day time. I'm not too worried about sleep, as I don't really do a whole lot of it anyways. Thats one of the jobs I've applied for and I really hope they interview me.

In general, I've really just put alot of things that I was worrying about on the backburner, and I'm not really concerned with them anymore.  Namely, relationships, dating, money, etc. The only thing I'm still going to do is talk to my bishop and make sure he understand where i'm at so that he doesn't give me some calling that I can't comfortably perform correctly and whatnot. Other than that, regarding dating and the like: I'm open to the idea of dating and relationships, but it isn't something I'm out looking for or avidly approaching. Its not particularly important to me at the moment and I'm ok with that. As to whom I date, I will be attracted to whoever I'll be attracted to. If thats a girl, so be it. If its a guy, so be it. So far, girls have pretty much struck out, and well, guys have too. But like I said, right now, I'm not really bothering with any of it. I have other, more important things to focus on, namely, finding and keeping a job, and becoming integrated into Logan society through activities, events, etc. I just need things to do and places to go, and friends to interact with. Dating only complicates all of those goals.

I'm actually really kind of happy with how things are playing out. I'm financially stable (for now), have tons of free time (bittersweet), and I just found out that I already have 6.3 credits that have transferred over from college English classes I took in high school so chances are, I can start at a college sophomore or junior level.

Basically, I'm liking Logan, the people here, and the atmosphere I've found. Its simple, but entertaining, and has the potential to keep me busy, and engaged in my cause so i don't get bored. Which is HUGE for me.

Go Aggies =]

Blue carpet with bleach stains. And crumbs. Lots of crumbs.

I started song writing again. I finished one earlier this week that I am rather proud of and I hope you like it.

It is a song about being beaten down, and and getting up again.

It can be likened to any personal experience you desire to find applicable, but for me, I wrote this song about my abuse, my abuser, and where i'm at now.

Triumph Rising

I remember when all I saw

Was your face

You used to haunt every waking moment

And every sleeping space

I used to cry out in the night

No one was ever there

I used to climb to that sweet emotion

But it felt like I was reaching for air

And I

I’d always let you win

Because I

Could never, ever seem to see the light within

Chord Progression

Chorus:

I’ll free my mind,

I’ll free my soul

I’ll fight forever

Cause I’m never gonna let go

I’m lookin’ up

My eyes behold the heavens,

My arms are open

To the love and help that God sends

Vocal/instrumental break-4 measures

CHANGE PIANO RHYTHM

I remember when all I felt

Was the pain

It used to choke every thought unguarded

Like a prison, chain after chain.

I used to hear your voice in my head

It never left me alone

My will, my freedom always faltered

I turned into stone

And I

I’d always let you run about

Because I

Could never, ever seem to find my own way out

Chord Progression

Chorus:

I’ll free my mind,

I’ll free my soul

I’ll fight forever

Cause I’m never gonna let go

I’m looking forward

No more stepping backwards

I’ll test your mettle

Take your blows upon my shoulders

I know what

I can Do

Yeah its true

You’ve won a lot

In the past

But I don’t know how

You ever thought that

It would last

I remember when all I saw was your face

Chord progression

KEY CHANGE

Chorus:

I’ll free my mind,

I’ll free my soul

You’re never gonna bring me down unless I say so.

I’ll give my all

This is my proclamation

To every family, friend, and future generation

This life is

All my own

Life is all about what you make it.

So make it good.

Taped up ceilings and paper on the walls

So I have successfully moved, and settled in Logan, UT as of May 7th, 2011.
I think I really like it. There are tons of new people to make relationships with and I'm already becoming familiar with the landscape and such. I think moving here earlier was a very good decision.
I've already applied to several good places of working that I think I have a good chance of being hired at, and I will apply for more tomorrow.

I met my roommate while I was unpacking, who's name is Brett, and he is a swell guy! He's from Texas, he's 23, and he's going to be a Psych major too! I think he's a sophomore though. Anyway, I think he's a really great guy and we're becoming pretty good friends I suppose.

He and I went to church yesterday. Church is at 9 AM, which I'm totally fine with, but it was also High Council Sunday apparently. It was also Mother's Day.

So we get there, sit down, and we listen. The councilman mostly spoke about families, getting married, having children, raising said children etc. One man spoke about women and the gift of being mothers.
I won't lie, it kinda felt a little creepy when he started talking about how great it was that women could grow children inside themselves, and conception and all that. I looked around and noticed more than a few uncomfortable facial expressions on some young women's faces. All in all though, it was a good sacrament meeting.

One feeling that had kept coming up was the idea that I was in a new place. Its a fresh start, no one knows me at all. I could make them think whatever I wanted to. They didn't have to know about my homosexuality, or my abuse. I could be a normal, LDS guy without these issues or anything like that. The feeling felt exactly the same as when I was was pretending like everything was dandy after my abuse was brought to light. It felt familiar, and fake.

So, I quickly decided against it. But the desire was surprisingly strong.  However, I refuse to live a lie, and so it was kind of a no brainer.

We then had Sunday school, which was about recognizing how great a gift the gospel and the church is and all that. It was a good lesson with lots of areas for participation, and the guy teaching was really good at it. I didn't pay a ton of attention, but I stayed awake and wrote in my journal.

Then Brett and I went to Elders quorum. It was all about missions. I felt like it was difficult for me to participate because all the teacher's questions were "what happened on your mission?" "What was a cool, inspirational story from your mission?" "Did you teach any muslims or atheists?" And so on and so forth.

I'm not at the point anymore where I feel different or isolated for not going on a mission. Its not like I had a crazy choice in the matter anyways, but even if I did, I'ms till not sure I would go. The feeling I gather is that I am meant to accomplish things here. That I can do more good here right now than somewhere else.
Something I've learned and understood recently is that the mission is something that is meant for the individual going on it. Yeah, other people are supposed to benefit from it as well and whatnot. But I really believe that the mission is supposed to help the missionary grow, and become who God wants them to be, more than anything else.

That does not mean I need to go on one to accomplish that.

Anyway, during the rest of that lesson, I just continued to write in my journal. It wasn't terrible.

And the seats in the institute building cup your butt, so I was quite comfortable.

Sometimes, my contacts try to jump out of my face

I have come to some important conclusions these last couple weeks since my last blog posts and such.

I was talking with a dear friend of mine, Cody, and he gave me some real stellar advice.
In order to find some peace and whathaveyou, it is important to firstly, accept yourself entirely. All the good, bad, weird, freaky, creepy. Accept it all. It doesn't mean you have to stop trying to improve in each area and/or change, but its important to do that in order to find your identity. Progress is a part of life, as is change, and it will continue to be so forever.

Secondly, be committed to who you are. Now, when he was telling me this it really hit home, because I think thats where I get all confuzzled and mixed up. See, I'm a living oxymoron. A gay mormon. That creates alot of identity problems, namely because you can't be an active homosexual if you desire to retain your membership within the church. So, I've realized that I am not yet committed to either of those identities, but in a weird kind of hybrid between the two. So far, it ain't working out too greatly ;)

He talked about being honest with myself about who I am, and how I feel. I think if I can do that, it will eliminate alot of issues I have with myself and life and whatnot. Being grounded in who I am will allow me to take down walls, and be happy with myself.

I have always looked at my attraction to men and my abuse with a certain level of estrangement. It wasn't something that I was willing to allow to be a part of my whole self. And I think thats a big part of the problem. Like I stated above, accepting EVERYTHING about yourself is important. This includes, for me, my homosexuality, and my abuse and all of the effects I have because of it. However, realizing this, and doing it are two different things. I think its just something I need to work at, just like any other task.

Realizing this has given me a sense of relief that I have been missing. And it feels really, really nice.

I don't know exactly which direction I'm going to go but I've decided not to worry about it too much. I have lots of other things that need my focus more than that and honestly, I worry about it too much.

I'm content with the things I've learned and decided to do lately, and I'm pretty sure thats all that matters =]

Put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking out the do-o-or!

I was discussing with a friend tonight how I could help myself. It was brought to my attention that one reason why I probly have such issues with myself, in general, is because I'm not sure where I stand with church, homosexuality, and everything else in between. Which is true. Knowing who I am would probly help with the whole knowing where to go with my life thing.

It was also brought to my attention that alot of it has to do with my lack of commitment to who I am as well. I'm totally on the fence about what I want and where I want to go. That is a problem!

I need to accept myself, at least, if anything, but I'm having a difficult time doing it.

But strangely, I'm not feeling entirely busted up. In fact, even having an idea of how to go anywhere is kinda pleasant.

What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no mo-ore

Sometimes, I feel like giving into the complete, emotional detachment that tempts me would be so much better than dealing with this weird, kind of hybrid, off again, on again, half feeling, half numb THING that I have now. I mean, I care about people, then I don't. I want to be there for someone, but only because its right and not because I actually want to. Things should bother me, and they don't etc. etc.etc.

Its like a switch that gets turned on and off by events, or just because, and I don't know how to keep the power on.

It gets old. And I get tired of not having answers. Or direction. Or any kind of IDEA of what to do about it, or where to go with it.

Sometimes I just want to stop dealing with people. Family, friends, acquaintances. Just leave it all behind, move into the mountains somewhere by the ocean, and live in a small, modest home, all by my poor, numb self. I could make a living as a logger and never speak to anyone about anything important again, and become a crotchety, bitter old man who dies alone somewhere between the ages of 60 and 70.

Although this approach is not healthy, or realistic, the fact remains the same. I'm tired of getting into any kind of relationship with someone, and then having that someone get frustrated with me because I stop caring unintentionally. Its exhausting, and it isn't really fair to them.

So am I being cruel if i know its going to happen and still support the relationship? Or am I just being human, instinctively desiring general companionship?

I wish I had a clue.

And I'm proud to be an American......

I sometimes hate America.

That is all. Carry on.

I want to break things with my head

I've often wondered what it would be like to be someone or something else. Complete with their own conscience, or if none was available, my own. Like becoming a neighbor, or a friend, or a bird, or a tiger. Maybe a cloud. Or the wind. What would it be like to switch for a day?

Anyway, for the long while that my abuse was going on, there were two other boys involved, sometimes individually, sometimes all of us together. Since everything was found out, I've kept in contact with one, and kind of semi-contact with the other.

The one that I keep in contact with we'll call "John" and the other one "Scott". Follow? Good.

Now I've often wondered why I turned out the way I did. John and Scott seem to have gone down a different path if dealing with things. In my observations of them, it seems like they just HAVEN'T dealt with it at all, and yet, they're supposedly fine. John is on a mission right now,loving it, doing a good job, and he seemed completely normal the last time I talked with him before he left. However, there seems to be some sort of "emotional blindness" that he's developed that makes him totally inept at dealing with any kind of serious emotion from himself, or others he interacts with. Its like talking with a blank sheet of paper. And yet, he's on a mission. Doing the good thing, teaching the good word, all that jazz.

I can't help but feel slightly envious. I mean, I know that the way I'm doing things is probly for the better, and that what I'm doing now is healthier than not dealing with it. But sometimes i wonder. Is it really?

Sometimes, I wish I could be like John. Not think about all this stuff all the time. Live in fantasy happy land where things like sexual abuse are talked about in repressed and hushed tones, if its even brought up at all.

I feel like I would've made a great missionary. And I don't get why John got to go, and I decided to stick around and deal with all this junk. Is there a reason?

What if I did something wrong? What if I didn't do what I was supposed to. What if he comes back, and is totally fine, gets married, has a family, lives a normal life, and I'm still stuck lacking a mission, any desire to get married, still liking men, and being all angry and questioning towards the church, just like I am now?

Why was it so easy for him? Or perhaps his work will come later?
Or his mission is his work.

I hate this feeling. Its like just plain frustration and anger and confusion all built up in a knot in the middle of my chest and it doesn't know where to go. Its heavy and palpable. And it makes me want to scream, and yell, and cry and throw things.

And I think all of it is borne from jealousy of John's apparent victory, even though I know better. He at least ENJOYS his life. Even if it is a lie, or pretend or whatever. At least he likes it! Will I ever enjoy my life, or like it, or be ok with it? I have no idea.

I'm just unhappy.

And I have no idea where any of this came from tonight. Complete crap.

Banana bread without the nuts. Or perhaps one too many

Recently, I have allowed three siblings to view and read this blog. One older sister, and two older brothers. So far, in no way, do I feel any sort of regret about including them into these parts of my life. My sister was very understanding, emotionally authentic and open, and all around fantastic. My brothers were the same. Several times they've all admitted that they may not entirely understand everything, but that they are willing to accept, and be apart of wherever my life goes. I could not convey to them, at the time, how relieved and loved I felt because of their kind words and honest opinions. They are all wonderful individuals, whom I am proud and honored to call brother and sister. And thankful. Very thankful.

However, even though I do not regret my decision to be open with them, I am still very much afraid, and a tad bit uncomfortable. Not because I don't want to let them in. By all means, I do.
But because I am not used to feeling vulnerable, and wide open towards anyone, anytime, ever. That is something I will need to get used to, and adapt to. I'm used to knowing all the answers, and how these things work, and having all the cards.  When you allow others into the mix, it throws all of that into space because other human psyches are so varied and unpredictable.

I didn't anticipate this fear. My natural instinct right now is to stop, rewind, and keep everyone at an emotional distance, just like I've been doing my entire adult life. But experience has taught me how to push through natural instincts, so therefore, I shall do it. I am ready, for the most part, and even if I'm not, this is as good a time as any to become so.

I've psychologically trained myself to fit into public molds in order to throw people off to whats going on inside, to evade questions, and to keep others from thinking or worrying about me. All of which is ironic, because those are some of the things I have wanted dearly. I'm not sure why I do it. Most likely as a defense mechanism thats just never gone away. Its just funny because for the longest time, I thought I was unique in that respect. I did my own thing, I didn't care what others thought, and I never put myself into molds to appease others. What I didn't realize, was that secretly, that in itself was a mold. I wanted people to be impressed by me and my I-don't-care-what-other-people-think attitude. I wanted everyone to think I was so strong and independent when it came to dealing with all the abuse aftermath and hard things in general. I enjoyed those masks; they kept me safe and mysteriously distant. I didn't need anyone, and its becoming obvious that I still need to do some work on convincing myself otherwise as well. I don't think that all of them are fakes though. I think that they're all different parts of me, just greatly amplified into something else/more.

The bottom line is that I'm making progress with myself, and my family. Its just gonna take alot of time and patience from me to get to anywhere normal again.

But, I am content with that for now =]

Money, money, money, ain't it funny. In a rich man's world. BLAH!!!

As the time for summer, and school, and moving all draw closer, I've noticed that I'm becoming extremely anxious and worried about money, and how I'm going to be able to support myself while I'm down there if I can't find a good job, earn enough money, or afford to live anywhere. Its been weighing on my mind for some time now. 

My biggest problem is tithing. I'm way behind on it, and actually, I'm not entirely sure how much I owe. So I keep taking money out every time i get paid, without knowing the actual amount that I need to pay, which means I'm putting myself out of hundreds of dollars that I may or may not need to spend, and I really can't afford to do that =/

Another thing is this recent car debacle. If I spend $500 on this old new car for myself, and give mine to my sister while she goes to school, it wouldn't be a horrible option. The issue is spending $500 dollars.

Another thing is my gym. The way they work is very nice for me. They have a work out of the day, and we go from there starting with a warm-up and etc. They're very encouraging and supportive, which is what I need when I exercise. However, it costs me $75 per month, which isn't a big deal, except that I owe them 150 for last month and this month because my stupid bank won't give me my checks!

I think alot of my anxiety comes from the fact that I have less than $900 dollars to my name at the present moment, and I can't live off that, or go to school off that, or do ANYTHING with that really. However, once I get paid tomorrow, I'm sure I'll be able to breathe easier. Or at least feel a little more secure.

I also think it would be wise of me to learn more about personal finances, budgeting, and all those kinds of things. 

BUDGETING, BUDGETING, BUDGETING!!

the complexities of a human (hoo-man)

I have discovered that I am immeasurably attracted to classical music in the night time. It provides a very nice cushion of sound that is pleasing to both my heart, and my soul. I had not realized this until tonight while I was sitting at my parents house and listening to it while doing some things for school on their computer.

It keeps me calm, quiet, thoughtful, and most importantly, it kind of relaxes me. A little anyways. Which is huge.

I discovered something else while I was dating Justin. I can't seem to ever entirely relax. Even in the presence (or arms) of someone I like, am attached to, or otherwise, I am not relaxed. Its not something I realized I had a problem with till he brought it to my attention.
So I started paying more attention and I've realized that yes, i am almost never relaxed. It certainly explains all the fidgeting and constant motion I always seem to have around. My mind is always active, and never stays quiet, and i have to forcefully make the decision to let go of muscle tension in my body whenever I try to go to sleep. Its not something I feel is incredibly important right now, but it definitely helped me understand why I can't seem to stop moving.

Blinded by my inner twilight

So tonight, I was trying to figure out where I want to go, and who I want to be and I came to the all too familiar conclusion of having absolutely no idea.

The issue is that I am perceived as a faithful, worthy, exemplary member of the church who valiantly magnifies his callings to the best of his ability because he is asked to and because he simply wants to.
Some of this statement is true. I like being a hometeacher. I like being a GOOD hometeacher to the people I am assigned to. To me, that basically means I'm just being a good, dependable friend.
But the other things in that statement. Being faithful, worthy, exemplary. That depends on whoever is perceiving those things.
I don't think those things about myself, nor are they true. Right now I am not entirely faithful. I'm definitely not worthy, and as far as exemplary goes, thats quite debatable.

So, I guess in order to be a good hometeacher, you should be worthy to give blessings. Which I'm not, nor do i feel comfortable doing so anyway.

But that also depends what you're comparing it to. I still think I'm a wonderful person, and exemplary at that, in many areas.  The problem is, I don't even know if I want to be considered faithful, exemplary, or worthy within the church anymore because I don't know what I want.
And I'm really unsure of how to figure that out.

Its quite a juxtaposition.

Keys of harmony and strength

I miss writing music. And playing the piano. And having a piano in general.

I've been reviewing the songs I've written. They're not very nice.
I hear my friend's and my sister's music and it makes me slightly jealous. When you write music, you write about what your life has been, what its like now, and what you hope it will be.

When my sister or my friends write music, its about love, life, things that make them happy. Relationships.
When I write music, if its going to be a sadder song (which it generally is), its always about the abuse. Not lost love, not dead dreams, or any of that other song writing material. Its about abuse. No one wants to hear about that!

I just wish I could find something about myself more interesting than that

People steal my yogurt

Well, the boyfriend and I are no longer the boyfriend and I. It appears my inability to keep myself emotionally involved, allow anyone in, etc. etc. etc. has, once again, kept me from making, and keeping, a good relationship up. Ah well.

There isn't really a whole lot I can do about it, and I don't entirely feel bad. At all. Theres got to be something benign about that.

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....

One more grain of dust in the air

Its articles like these that reaffirm my most recent thoughts of the church (as an organization) and frankly, it makes me feel sad and ashamed sometimes to be called an LDS member in the first place.

http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/article-13533-man-fired-from-lds-church-for-refusing-to-give-up-gay-friends.html


I wish I could still publicly challenge people to a duel.

Piano, piano, cymbals, piano

I recently called my mother and pretty much told her about all these things that I've been talking about and writing about and whatnot. She was very supportive stating that she didn't really care what I did as long as I still talked to her, which I found to be most acceptable =]

Since talking with her, things have been less stressful to ponder on and my worry for my future has dissipated . We were both able to express how we felt about the abuse and the events after, or lack thereof.

I knew that my mother wasn't ok after the abuse, but I didn't really think about how it had affected her in her life, her testimony, or really any other aspect. I just knew that she was very frustrated and that she blamed herself for alot of the things pertaining to the abuse and whatnot.

While I was talking to her she expressed to me that she still was not ready to forgive, and that she was still puzzled by how God worked in that situation. After all, the church says that if you do what the Lord asks, He will protect your family from wiles of the world. My mom told me how she and my dad went to the temple regularly. They paid their tithing and fast offerings. they did everything they were supposed to, so why didn't the Lord protect her son?

I had never thought that she would question her faith, or God, for that matter. And I hadn't really understood how it had affected her till now. Then my mother started to cry while she was telling me these things. And that is one thing I cannot endure. My mother crying is something that hits me in the heart, to the very core of my being, and it is one of the only things on this earth that can emotionally move me forcefully. I love my mother very deeply.

She informed me that she was still looking for answers about it and she observed that one reason this situation is so faith-testing is because none of it can be answered with any of the easy church answers. That hit me, when she said that, and I felt such an absolute love and gratitude for my mother.

At one pivotal moment, I was talking about how tired and exhausted I was of doing it alone and being independent all the time, and this huge rush of emotion came forward and I started uncontrollably sobbing on the phone. Which hasn't happened in many years.
I hadn't realized how much it was affecting me till it all came out,and I just kept crying and talking about how I've been going it alone for so long, I'm not sure I can even allow someone in, even if I wanted to. Which SUCKS! Its crap!

It is so emotionally exhausting to deal with all my thoughts and emotions and have no one who gets it. And no one to talk to about it. And how much trust i don't have. And how I can't function in any kind of relationship genuinely, blah blah blah

Anyway, we talked about everything in this blog, and then some, and it was very liberating. Emotionally, mentally. I mean, I still feel the same towards the church as I've described it here, but I feel much more stable in my thoughts and opinions than I did.

My mother is such a wonderfully accepting and understanding individual and she is always an unintentional example to everyone she meets. I've learned much from her, and I continue to learn all that I can while I still have the opportunity to do so.

My hero is not some Book of Mormon character, nor an important figure in history. Its not a musician, or a writer, or a poet. Its someone who knows what work, faith, and love are. Its someone who listens to her heart and mind, all that the same time. And it someone who always has open arms, to all that need them.

Yes, my hero is my mother, plain and simple.